On being a woman in the USA.

My Apology to Quvenzhané Wallis

quvenzhané wallisDear Quvenzhané,

I want to apologize–for so many things. For myself and for the culture we live in. Because we are failing you and girls like you and we have to do better.

I’ll start by apologizing for myself. I’m sorry for not knowing until now what to say about the way Seth MacFarlane and the Onion treated you on Oscar night. They singled you out for a laugh never thinking of what effect that might have on you. On a night when they should have been celebrating your achievements, they commodified you. They used you in a way that comedians and satirist use lots of people, except that children ought to be exempt. Especially on what is possibly the biggest night of their lives to date, when they’re sitting right there in the room listening attentively. And I was outraged, and I said so, but only in passing. I didn’t feel equipped to deal with the complexity of the racial side of this (if it can even be called a side–maybe it’s the whole thing). I felt as though it wasn’t my place. And I read what other people had to say and I asked questions and I learned. And now I know that my silence was perhaps interpreted by some as acceptance or at the very least, complacency, laziness, and lack of concern. I realize that if you or any young woman of color came to my blog, you would find that I’d dedicated exactly zero time and energy to saying (here, where I talk about things that matter to me) that they treated you badly, that they were wrong, that this is a symptom of so much of what is wrong with us as a society, and that it’s important to understand that race is a big part of the equation because of the way black girls and women have historically been treated–and exploited–in this country.

I’m sorry, Quvenzhané, that I didn’t write about this before now.

Now I want to apologize for the culture that allows this to happen, because I know I have been part of the problem and because I own that each of us (adults) is partly responsible for allowing it to be this way. We raise our girls to believe they are somehow less than boys, and our boys to think that the worst possible thing someone can say to them is that they’re behaving like (or running like, or throwing like, or crying like) a girl. We reward young men for the “conquest” of having sex, and shame young women for being “sluts.” We create and consume media that sets unattainable standards, reinforces harmful gender and racial stereotypes, and perpetuates rape culture. This culture we have created and continue to allow to thrive is what made Seth MacFarlane believe it was acceptable to use you for a laugh. It’s what made some fans claim that our outrage over that and the Onion’s ill-considered attempt at satire are because people like us “have no sense of humor.” It’s the reason hundreds of people retweeted the Onion’s tweet.

I’m sorry, Quvenzhané. I’m sorry we aren’t living in a post-sexist, post-racist society by 2013. I’m sorry they couldn’t just let you have your night in the spotlight and celebrate your talent and your achievements and the fact that you made history. I hope the night was wonderful and that none of this spoiled anything for you.

quvenzhané wallisI learned to pronounce your name partly because I was so angry that people who make their living talking to and about celebrities on television did not take the time before meeting you to do so, but also because I wanted to know how to say it. Now I find myself saying it over and over again: Quvenzhané, Quvenzhané, Quvenzhané…because it  sounds like a song. Those people who didn’t bother to learn your name really missed out–they could have done their jobs and had the joy of saying your lovely name out loud.

I can’t wait to see what you do next.

Love,

Rosie

9 responses

  1. Pingback: I’m Pretty Sick of People Using Violence Against Women As An Easy “Punchline.” If You Can Even Call It A Punchline. Pun Probably Intended. | Fiending for Hope

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  4. Thank you for this. Just thank you.
    Some injustices, no matter what the point of the joke was, should not befall anyone, least of all a 13-year old girl. I wonder when as a society we realize that everything is not joke. Something has to matter, something has to important. Unfortunately, some things just have to go on being serious and no amount of years in between makes it any less serious than it was when it happened. So thank you, for saying this, because it needed to be said.

    Adieu, scribbler.

    March 2, 2013 at 4:10 pm

    • Thanks, Scribbler. I agree. “It was a joke” just doesn’t cut it in cases like this.

      March 3, 2013 at 7:42 am

  5. Naylay March

    This kind of solidarity is so powerful. Thank you.

    March 2, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    • Thank you. You helped. :)

      March 2, 2013 at 2:08 pm

  6. This is lovely and brought tears to my eyes. So many of us spoke while we were still angry, which was fine and generated some amazing commentary. But thank you for taking the time to speak from a place of admiration, tenderness and love. Like you, I can’t wait to see what Quvenzhané does next.

    March 2, 2013 at 10:40 am

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