A ranty, funny, dead-serious intersectional feminist blog.

Aside

So Fucking Angry

So fucking angry right now so this will be a mess. Apologies.

Out watering in my yard tonight when a girl comes running up through the greenbelt looking scared. I ask if she’s ok, and she smiles a little and says she’s just “hiding from my brothers,” and asks me not to tell them where she is. Her friend comes and I do tell her. Now here comes a brother. I’ve heard him all along screaming at her. “I can fucking see you right now,” he says to her, and he gives me what he thinks is a charming smile and says he’s looking for friends. “Friends who don’t want you to find them,” I said. He launches into a hateful diatribe about how I’m a fat fucking yuppie bitch who needs to shut the fuck up and go back to watering her flowers while he talks to his sisters. My boyfriend comes out and asks what’s up, and the kid keeps screaming obscenities at me and daring me to do something. “Go ahead and spray me! That’s assault!” Then he starts in on my boyfriend. I turn to my boyfriend and say, “Call the cops, Honey, and tell them I’m gonna spray this little asshole!” The kid goes back into the brush and tries to force his sister out, and I follow, telling him to get his hands off her. He comes back and screams at me some more, spits in my face. The girls come out, and the sister looks shaken, teary. I tell her to come in the house, but she won’t. She says something that I think is meant to make me feel like she’s a part of something she can’t get out of, and I should probably butt out, but I can’t put my finger on it. They head down the path, and I’m screaming at the girls that they don’t have to go. The kid is screaming back up the hill that I’m a fat fucking bitch, and I hold my skirt up and say, “Look! I’m fat! I don’t give a fuck! Leave those fucking girls alone, you fucking bully!” My voice sounds like a monster. I see him attack his sister at the bottom of the path and I scream my rage over and over, but I’m afraid to go down any farther. She said “brothers” and I don’t know who’s waiting around the corner, and they’re gone. I run up the hill and I can’t breathe, but I know I’m going for the car because I need to go after them. I need to make sure the girls are ok. I want to tell them “Get in the car. You don’t have to go with them.” But when I get to the car I see that the cops my boyfriend has called are coming down the street. My boyfriend talks briefly to them, sends them after the kids, and I go back out and water my lawn, knowing that I’ve painted a target on myself and my house, and knowing that I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Sitting here crying and laughing now because that little fuck thought his words and spit could hurt me. What hurts is the anger and the impotence.

6 responses

  1. Lady By A Lake

    darling wonderful heroic WOMAN! You Rock! You certainly did scare that boy because you stood up to him and weren’t scared into kowtowing to him. He probably expected you to retreat, but YOU WERE AWESOME! It is frightening, to stand against people who hurt, but at the very least you made this proto-thug understand that his behavoir is criminal and will not pass unchallenged. Too many just let his indiscretions pass without comment, I am so glad to know you.

    July 18, 2012 at 7:38 am

    • Thanks, Lady! I hope he walked away with his view of life and women deconstructed/reconstructed in some useful way. And I really hope that girl did.

      July 18, 2012 at 6:01 pm

  2. Ugh. I felt frustration and anger just reading your account of what happened. What a horrid little creature that boy was. What I don’t get is that he dared you to spray him with the hose and claimed it was assault…then he spit on you which IS assault.

    July 16, 2012 at 9:23 am

    • Yeah, he was nearly out of control–I think he really wanted to hit me, but instead he just kept daring me to hit him, and then he spit. I almost laughed because he was obviously so frustrated and just didn’t know what to do with me because I wasn’t backing down. The name-calling wasn’t getting anywhere–I kept asking him, what is that doing for you? How is that helping you?” –but it was still this never-ending stream. I guess that and spitting was all he could manage. My boyfriend thinks I scared the piss out of him. I hope I did.

      July 16, 2012 at 7:35 pm

  3. You are so brave. You really tried hard to help. I am so sorry for your pain. You were getting so many mixed messages. Your absolute bravery to face such absolute violence left me breathless. I wish I could have been there to help!
    I most enjoyed your rage, when you respond to him calling you names, and you just throw it back in his face announcing how harmless and annoying he is to you, but what a menace to society he has chosen to be!
    I’m looking out my window tonight to see who’s there. I’m looking out at every sound that comes from my backyard, imagining that I could be as brave as you were today because I’m convinced that together we may have laughed him right off the street forever.
    Laughing and running are the only real solutions I know for trouble like this. You have to be a sorcerer to get words to work for you I think.
    I want to offer you some comfort. Please know that your story makes me a stronger person for the future. Thanks.

    July 16, 2012 at 6:20 am

    • Thank you. Getting to sleep was tough–the whole thing kept looping in my mind and I couldn’t seem to stop it. But I did get to sleep, and I felt better this morning. Still processing, though. I’ll probably write more about this later.

      July 16, 2012 at 7:31 pm

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