A ranty, funny, dead-serious intersectional feminist blog.

Drinking Poison

poison_bottle-1A friend once said to me that holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other guy to die. But who among us can experience injury at the hands of another (or two others) and not feel resentment, anger, spite, even hate if the injury runs deep enough?

Out there somewhere is a woman (a sex addict, I assume, like my ex-boyfriend) who believes that she is entitled to joy and happiness at the expense of another person. I have been her. I am not proud to admit it, but I was her seven years ago when my ex decided he loved me and left his wife for me. As I have explained previously, he was miserable in the relationship, but now I’m certain he told his current addiction the same stories about me that he told me about his ex wife. He “loves” me, but he doesn’t “belong” with me because he doesn’t have the “passion” with me that he does with her.

Now, you and I, reader, understand that he’s got a problem with grown-up relationships. He wants to have GREAT SEX all the time without having to work at it. He wants his woman to scream in ecstasy at his every move because if he’s not the World’s Greatest Lover, then sex is not satisfying to him. And if he can go out and find someone new every time the passion wanes, then why on earth should he make any effort in a relationship? Why should he work with someone who has been raped and abused and figure out how to help her feel the things she wants/needs/ought to during sex when he can go out and find someone who fulfills all his fantasies RIGHT NOW without ANY EFFORT on his part? When you put it like that, it seems so simple, doesn’t it?

And as much as the rational part of me understands that to dwell on them rather than myself–to expend any energy at all on this fucking rerun of the worst syndicated cliché the world has ever dreamed up–is to keep myself from healing, to poison myself, to kill myself, there is a part of me that can’t stop doing it. Can’t stop hating him for loving me so little. Can’t stop hating her for believing she’s entitled to joy and ecstasy and this sick thing the two of them are calling LOVE at the expense of anyone and everyone who might get in her way. Can’t stop hating myself for being just like her, and for being me–the person he left for her.

Fuck him. Fuck her. And Fuck all this hate.

Until tomorrow,

Rosie

9 responses

  1. The Professor

    There’s a big difference between holding a grudge over an insult, and feeling hurt & vengeful about deliberate cruelty! Hatred of wrong can be a powerful catalyst for change, as the abolitionists and suffragists made clear. There is such a thing as righteous anger, but maybe for anger to feel okay or to be constructive in one’s life it has to be a kind of focused emotion (nonviolent, of course). Right now you’re awash in a torrent of emotions: grief, helplessness, bitterness, pain, rage, disbelief and misery all at once.

    Just stating the truth of the situation is important. Truth isn’t always a gleaming beacon that everyone acknowledges, and sometimes our tears or anger or inarticulateness seem to mute the truth, but it’s still the antithesis of the deceit he is tangled up in right now –lies he’s created not just for himself but which he also wants everyone else to believe.

    January 2, 2013 at 8:48 am

  2. In my experience it is impossible to not hold a grudge. I am always amazed by people who say they don’t. A part of me always believes they arent being truthful. How can you not hold a grudge when you have been betrayed? It gets better but never goes completely away (for me).

    Wishing you healing and i hope the New Years dawns with peace for your soul.

    December 31, 2012 at 4:28 pm

  3. Margaret Durocher

    Things take the time they take. Yes, there will probably be something to learn here in time, although I don’t know enough to guess what it will be, what it will be about, or how long it will take. Nor does anyone else.

    Take care of yourself and eventually the world will stop spinning.

    December 30, 2012 at 5:10 pm

  4. Muggs

    I think you should consider the bias in your perspectives “He wants his woman to scream in ecstasy at his every move because if he’s not the World’s Greatest Lover, then sex is not satisfying to him”… really? “Now, you and I, reader, understand that he’s got a problem with grown-up relationships” Is this anything more than you justifying yourself? I see no evidence that you have actually looked at who you have been… who you are. You won’t get past these silly things until you stop insisting on being right.

    December 30, 2012 at 10:29 am

    • Dear Muggs/Concern Troll/Guilty,
      I think you should consider fucking off. This is MY blog–the place where I’m trying to make sense of something that doesn’t make any sense. I’m not a journalist. I’m writing about MY life, and of all the people in the room right now, I’m pretty sure I’m the expert on that. The fact that you think I haven’t explored MY part in the failure of our relationship fully enough in this post (or any, for that matter) falls exactly, let’s see…nope, not even on my list. I am not required to provide “evidence” to satisfy you or anyone else that my conclusions are correct or that I’ve looked closely enough at myself. There is no deadline by which I have to write my story, and I have no obligation to you or anyone else to do so in an unbiased fashion or to provide fair and balanced reporting. You are welcome to read and comment and even be a condescending fuck, but don’t expect to do so in a vacuum. I suspect you are hoping to justify your own bad behavior by choppering in and unloading your little buttload of wisdom, and I hope it helps you sleep at night to think that i’m some harpy who thinks everything is ALL HIS FAULT. In fact, your conclusions clearly indicate to me that you have a) read only this post (and not very thoroughly), or b) have reading comprehension issues that are beyond my ability to address here.

      No, sincerely, fuck off.

      Rosie

      December 30, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    • Peter Blanton

      Geez, Muggs — can you be any more of an ass?
      Rosie has absolutely no requirement whatsoever to justify herself — to you or anyone else. Quite apart from the fact that this is her journal and she can write what she damn well feels like, who the fuck are you to tell her that her feelings are “silly things?”
      This happened, what, a week and a half ago, and she’s supposed to get over it by now? When someone who was that close betrayed her trust? You aren’t even part of it and you feel that you’re able to put the blame on her and say she’s just justifying herself? Boy, you’ve got some ego.
      I was going to write some more in response, but all that comes out in response to your skreed is a string of obscenitites about how assinine your response is. She can (obviously to us, if not to you) take as long as she needs to get over such a betrayal, and no one but an ass who is either biased against her or has no concept of the impact of such a betrayal could ever think that she could be past it by now. Sure, every relationship consists of actions on both sides, but only a misogynistic bastard could think that anything warrants such behavior on his part.
      But then you’ve shown what you are, haven’t you? Just the phrase “you won’t get past these *silly things*” demonstrates once and for all that you’re a sexist prick.

      December 30, 2012 at 5:42 pm

  5. Baba

    Love you Rosie. I’m here. Let’s get together. I’ll come get you.

    December 29, 2012 at 6:46 pm

  6. I think a moment of drinking poison, well, sometimes that’s what it takes to start to get past it. You feel what you feel. I can’t imagine trying to pretend you don’t feel it would be too healthy for you either. Eventually you’ll put that bottle of poison down and move to the next phase of healing.

    December 29, 2012 at 8:08 am

  7. JackieP

    you have to do things in your own time. Everyone is different.

    December 29, 2012 at 6:11 am

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