A ranty, funny, dead-serious intersectional feminist blog.

Hey 2012! Don’t Let the Screen Door Hit You…

I don't feel fine.

I don’t feel fine.

I never thought the world would be destroyed in a fiery apocalypse at the end of this year. Boy was I wrong. For me, it was the end of the world as I knew it.

Today marks a major milestone: It’s exactly two weeks since B left, and he will be moving his stuff out this afternoon. Yesterday his cousin came to take one of our little dogs–the one who has not been himself since B went away. In the past two weeks, now and then, between days of nothing but crying or staring out the window, I’ve gotten off the couch for a few hours at a time in fits of rage and adrenaline to pack another layer of his stuff, move his furniture and miscellaneous items into one room where I don’t have to look at them, and change as much as I can about my living space so that it looks nothing like our home.

In 2012 I started this blog and found my voice. But I lost my joy and everything I thought my life was. Every night I remember in my sleep that he’s not next to me. Every morning I remember all over again that he doesn’t live here anymore. It feels to me very much like a world ended.

I am grateful for the community I have found here, the support you’ve all shown since I started this thing, and the outpouring of love and empathy over the past two weeks. I can’t see a future for myself right now, but I’m hopeful that next year brings healing for me, for B, and for everyone out there who thinks 2012 did a pretty good job of living up to the hype.

2013, it’s on you, now. Don’t fuck it up.

Rosie

16 responses

  1. Lady By A Lake

    If the laws of equal and opposite reaction apply, 2013 is going to be spectacularly awesome. Love ya, Rosie darling.

    January 3, 2013 at 5:57 pm

  2. You are an amazing person, and you will get though this. My love and support is with you, Rosie!

    January 1, 2013 at 10:09 pm

  3. A world has ended for you. A great, great shock and abrupt and devastating loss. Here’s hoping you find some peace in 2013.

    January 1, 2013 at 8:54 am

  4. Much love to you, Rosie. Hang in there.

    January 1, 2013 at 5:12 am

  5. RunningWithWolfie

    A day will come when you will wake up, and after a while, realize that you didn’t even think of him. That’ll be excellent!

    December 31, 2012 at 10:48 pm

  6. Hang in there, Rosie. What has happened (and what has been revealed) has certainly sucked, and my guess is it’s going to suck for a long time. There are no words I know of to help you through the grieving and rebuilding process. All I know from my own experience is you gotta do your time in every stage of grief, however long that time is, and when you’ve moved on through, you’re not quite the same on the other side.

    But my hope is that you won’t build the walls too high. My hope is that whatever the new you looks like, you’ll be true to that new you. That you won’t hide yourself or lie or fake your way through future relationships, because the real you is worthy of an honest love.

    Here’s to a better year ahead, my friend.

    December 31, 2012 at 9:18 pm

  7. <3 I hope 2013 exceeds 2012 by leaps and bounds!

    December 31, 2012 at 8:09 pm

  8. LWJackn

    2012 can kiss my ass as far as I am concerned…

    Hang in there… ;)

    December 31, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    • Yeah, mine too. Thanks. I’m trying my damnedest.

      January 2, 2013 at 12:10 am

  9. Everything I have tried to write to you since your world shook has seemed trite. Cliche. Hokey, even. A book that really helped me when my heart was broken by someone who didn’t deserve to have it in the first place was “Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses.” It deals with losses of all kinds; not just death. Sending you hope, peace, healing and light for 2013.

    December 31, 2012 at 7:10 pm

    • I know just what you mean. Sometimes words don’t seem adequate. I’m grateful for yours., and for the book rec. <3

      December 31, 2012 at 7:21 pm

  10. Of course, I’m so wrapped up in my own life that I didn’t even mention the loss of a friend and all the tragedies our country and our world has suffered. My daughter and I talked the other night about trying to put ourselves in the shoes of any of the Sandy Hook families. Things can always be worse. But that doesn’t stop hearts from breaking. I’m grateful for what I have, and I will try to be mindful of what is still good and beautiful in my life.

    December 31, 2012 at 7:07 pm

  11. JackieP

    sending light and healing to you for the coming year.

    December 31, 2012 at 6:52 pm

  12. chatalee

    Holding on to hopefulness

    December 31, 2012 at 6:38 pm

    • It’s all we can do.

      December 31, 2012 at 7:22 pm

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