A ranty, funny, dead-serious intersectional feminist blog.

I Found Your Old Wallet.

ImageIt was empty except for two things: a photo of me and one of us together.

You asshole.

Really, I ought to capitalize that: Asshole. Because that’s my name for you now. Used to be, when you popped into my head, I thought words like “love” and “sweetie” and “baby” and “honey.” Now, without even thinking about it and without my permission, I think–and say out loud every single time–“Asshole.” Or “Fucking Asshole.” Or “What a Fucking Asshole.”

I can’t believe I ever thought you were one of the Good Guys. That I ever thought you were my friend. I’m so sorry that I trusted you–that I didn’t retain some modicum of protection that might allow me to see you for who and what you really are. I can’t believe I let you hurt me–that you still have the power to hurt me.

I once told you I’d forgiven you. I really wanted that to be true. But it’s not. I can’t forgive you. I don’t know how. I know how to say the words, but not how to make them true. The last time I talked to you I told you how hard the week of our anniversary was for me, and you responded by ignoring me on that very day. Ignoring every attempt at communication and then claiming paralysis, and THEN whining about the unfairness of it all when I told you what an asshole you were. You just kept piling hurt upon hurt, but really, it didn’t matter. You had already done the unforgivable by doing everything you did and then leaving me alone to deal with it all by myself.

I truly hope you get better and cease to cause pain to every woman foolish enough to become involved with you. But my experience has taught me this:

You are a narcissist. You are a serial monogamist. You are a sex addict. You are a man who pretends to be good and then lies and cheats and hurts women over and over again. You are a man who believes you are entitled to have your needs met at the expense of other people. You are a man who has learned what he needs to say after he destroys a life (or several) that will make people see him as a good guy who just makes mistakes and never meant to hurt anyone even though you set out every single day for several months fully intending to lie to me, betray my trust in you, and fuck another woman behind my back in downtown hotel rooms while wondering aloud at home where all our money went. You are a liar and a cheater and you don’t know how to be a friend or a partner or even a good human being.

You are an Asshole.

Respectful discussion is welcome and encouraged. When in doubt, see the Comment Policy.

26 responses

  1. Tracy

    I know this posting was from awhile ago but I happened to stumble across it looking to ease my pain and come to terms with my breakup. My very recent 2 days ago breakup. I think I may still be in shock of the discoveries of my exes infidelity. Your words, your feelings, your descriptions are ALL mine as well. I have nothing to say about my relationship because you have summed it up for me, were we dating the same man? Three years of lies and a quick and forceful eye opening truth and I’m hoping and praying for a quick recovery! I also hope that peace has come to you and anyone else who has to deal with deceit and the pain that’s left for you to fix. Thanks for your post!

    February 24, 2014 at 4:54 am

    • Tracy, I’m so sorry you’re going through something similar. One of the reasons I write about this is that I want other people to know it’s ok to feel all the things when something like this happens. This past year has been a major roller-coaster and I’ve written a lot about my pain and anger. In fact, I just posted a new piece today. I will say it hurts less now than it did at the beginning, but it still hurts. I wish you love and healing. Stay warm and be gentle with yourself. <3

      February 28, 2014 at 11:50 am

  2. For the first time, I have read something that embodies EXACTLY what has been going through my head during this whole breakup with my asshole/serial monogamist/possible narcissist ex boyfriend. Thank you.

    He withdrew emotionally. Physically (esp after becoming such the pervert). And finally after a year of spinning my head around after fast forwarding me into a relationship where he demanded everything on his terms at all times, he left me for San Francisco in a total heap of confusion and is now seeing somebody else. Taking her on all of these romantic weekend trips that he and I planned together for when we moved up there after getting married. This began a week after leaving. A WEEK. And he’d said he wanted to remain friends but turns his phone off when he is away. Ignores my calls. Tells me I’m being inappropriate in asking what he does with his time. I tell him I’m doing no contact, he begs to meet with me one more time. I agree. He keeps changing schedules around so he can do his adventures with this new girl instead of honoring our appointments. I tell him he’s an asshole. He tells me he’s going no contact and blocks my number. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

    And why do we still love them?

    How are you getting past your asshole, because I can’t seem to knock off this insanity. No amount of going to the gym, getting sexy as hell and being asked out by other men has quelled this fiery rage.

    May 28, 2013 at 2:08 am

    • In order to get some distance, I had to get pissed off enough that I didn’t want any contact. None at all. I had to take complete control of everything I could control, and the main thing I could control where he was concerned was his access to me and my life and his ability to claim we were still “friends.” Friends don’t treat each other this way, I told him over and over again. And finally it stuck.

      I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I spent a solid month on my couch in a stupor, then another month starting to get up and do things again, and winding up on the couch again, and trying some more. It took two full months of his BS before I cut him off for good. Then, much like I had marked each week of our love in the beginning, I marked each week of my…sobriety? empowerment? freedom? I don’t even know what to call it anymore. In any case, I’m now three months without any direct contact with him and that and my anger have honestly probably been the things that have kept me afloat.

      I’m not saying we should hold onto anger indefinitely. But it has its purpose. I think in a case like this, our anger protects us from allowing those who would keep stomping on our hearts to do so with impunity. And I can tell you this from experience: Cut him off, and *he* has no power* over you. There will still be that ghost of him that can fuck you up, ruin a nice evening out with friends, etc., but it’s just a ghost of a dead thing and eventually it too will die.

      After months of anger, the other day I had a memory–not a real one, just sort of a remembrance of what he was like before. It’s been so long since I thought of him as anything but a pig, that it hurt me more than I can say. But although that memory hurt like a kick in the heart, it was part of a process of grief that I can fully engage in now that *he* can no longer cause me pain the way he did when I allowed contact.

      *Ok, you’re married, so maybe now and then things will come up (like the way “what to do about the house” did for me recently when I had someone ask him a question about something else entirely) that will still hurt and piss you off, but have a go-between if you absolutely *must* communicate about something. A neutral one, if possible.

      I hope this helps in some small way. It helped me to write it.

      <3 Rosie

      May 28, 2013 at 7:28 am

      • You’re amazing. No, we’re not married – he just strung me along with this concept because he knew that would be the only reason I’d consider living with him (just one of the many boundaries he crossed by lying). Bought a ring and kept it…every time we’d fight to the point where he’d threaten breaking up, he’d go to get it to give to me to just “have” so he’d be released of the “responsibility”. Nice guy.

        About that concept of control – he’s so far gone, everything he’s done has been in effort to take as much control away from me as possible. He’s such a dick. So sick and twisted. But you’re right, no contact from me, too. I need to stop trying to fix this.

        Thank you – you’re not the first to mention this anger bit to me, you’re totally right. It’s the second part to these feelings of shock and betrayal, isn’t it? Ugh, and the terrible part is I want to warn this girl. I’ve even written a letter. I really shouldn’t send it, but gosh I want to. I just want him to hurt as much as he’s hurt me.

        You’re the first I’ve written to about this. Thank you for giving me an opportunity to be honest about my thoughts and impulses without judgement <3 You're so strong, I hope you know that.

        xo Lauren

        May 28, 2013 at 9:03 am

        • Ah, I must have misread.

          I did write to my ex’s lover. I don’t think it was a bad thing. But know that if you choose to do so, there’s a good chance it won’t be received in the spirit you intend. Not now, anyway.

          I’m so happy you found my little corner of the Internet. Thanks so much for the kind words. I’ve written a LOT more about this, BTW. If it helps, go back to the December archive. It’s a very dark time, though, as I’m sure you can imagine.

          May 28, 2013 at 9:09 am

  3. Yes he is a fucking asshole. Yes he will always be a fucking asshole. Some people are just born that way. You deserve better and already have better. Friends and family are better than a fucking asshole.

    April 28, 2013 at 8:34 am

  4. Ya know, it takes a while, often a long, long while, but you can eventually get to where it doesn’t bother you. You can look back and see it as a useful experience.

    I had the Psycho Boyfriend for 5 years, starting at 19 and going forward until the day when I finally realized I didn’t want him anymore (I didn’t want the cheating, and the lying, and the bruises, the humiliation of meeting his “friends” who he was banging, the screaming, the long nights of thinking I would die, the yeast infections, the devastation of my bank account, and the total evisceration of my self worth). But after some years, I began to realize what I’d learned, and what I’d learned helped me find a good relationship, a good man, and a 20 year marriage (that’s still going) So, while Psycho Boyfriend was an asshole, he was also a teacher. The lessons hurt like hell, but without them I’d still be in relationships with assholes.

    So, I forgave him. I healed up from it. It took a good number of years. It wasn’t over night. But now, now I can look back and say “Whoa, what a learning experience” and think about what happened without my heart wanting to burst and my jaw clenching. I got a lot more out of the experience than I thought I had, and a lot of it was useful.

    Keep an eye on that. It helps, once you can see it. But it takes a bit of time.

    April 24, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    • Thanks, Murphy. I’m finding that the grief cycle repeats again and again. I’m looking forward to coming out the other side of it one day.

      April 28, 2013 at 8:59 pm

  5. It’s even hard to pray for some people……

    April 23, 2013 at 4:54 am

    • Yeah, it would definitely be hard if I was the praying type. I do wish him “well” in the sense that I want him to get better. But I also want him to feel pain for what he’s done. And that’s on me. :(

      May 28, 2013 at 7:59 am

  6. Tara Singletary

    What in the world are you talking about?

    April 23, 2013 at 4:36 am

  7. Great post and one that resonates with my recent experience with a ‘nice guy’. I’m glad your ‘niceguy/asshole’ is no longer around.

    April 23, 2013 at 4:20 am

    • Sorry you had to live through that, Portia. Glad you’ve got a nice Z now. He rocks. ;)

      May 28, 2013 at 7:58 am

  8. Don’t forgive him. But do forgive your self. Save your own soul.

    April 22, 2013 at 8:27 pm

    • Working on it. Thanks, Rose.

      May 28, 2013 at 7:56 am

  9. Wow. He IS an Asshole. I can tell just from the passion with which you write.

    April 22, 2013 at 5:41 pm

    • Thanks so much. I just got myself all upset reading this post again. #asshole

      April 22, 2013 at 5:45 pm

  10. susiebeth

    He’s an Ass Hole and a douche nozzle. The nozzle is the worst part of the douche.

    April 22, 2013 at 4:38 pm

    • Heh. That phrase always makes me laugh. Thanks. :)

      April 22, 2013 at 5:45 pm

  11. wow, sounds like my ex

    April 22, 2013 at 4:09 pm

    • Sorry to hear that. Hope you’re doing better now.

      April 22, 2013 at 5:44 pm

  12. Rory

    and YOU deserve better.

    April 22, 2013 at 4:00 pm

    • Thanks, Rory.

      April 22, 2013 at 4:04 pm

      • I second Rory’s comment. What a douchebag. You are worth more than that. <3

        April 22, 2013 at 4:19 pm

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