A ranty, funny, dead-serious intersectional feminist blog.

I Didn’t Know it was Sexual Assault

Guest post by FrabjousLinz (originally appeared at her LiveJournal)

(Trigger warning: this post talks about sexual assault and rape. It isn’t graphic, but be warned if you have triggering around this kind of discussion.)

I’ve been holding off on this post for a few weeks, what with one thing and another. It didn’t seem so extreme, in light of other stories. But I feel like we need to acknowledge that the less extreme offenses are still offenses. Being silent about them adds to rape culture. Shoutout to Rosie, Sid and the gang at makemeasammich.org.

I didn’t realize I was sexually assaulted for a long time. I wouldn’t have called it that. I didn’t call it anything, really, except for wrong and infuriating, until years later. I have been sexually assaulted besides that time; the kind that most people agree is assault – a stranger grabs my body in passing, because I’m a woman and to those people, my having a vagina means I’m available for fondling. No one disputes that as assault, although no one does anything about it, either. But this one I didn’t even recognize.

It was the first few weeks of college. I was, along with all the other freshman kids in my dorm and around the school, trying to figure out how this whole living without parents and with a bunch of strangers thing worked. All of us on our floor kept our room doors open, my roommate and I included, for large swaths of that first week. People wandered by to introduce themselves, hang out maybe. It was awkward and weird for me as a shy introvert desperately trying to be an extrovert and OK and not homesick and overwhelmed. Desperately trying to reinvent myself into someone everyone would think of as wonderful, witty, and fun. I can’t have been the only one who felt lost and weird and alone. I can’t have been the only one who just kept quiet in the face of constant socialization, even when I would rather have just told everyone to go away.

There were several people who made me very uncomfortable from the moment I met them. Most of them turned out to be harmless, if not people I wanted to be friends with. But one guy made me feel stupid and ashamed for everything about myself just as soon as he spoke, every time he spoke. He had a smug, certain look in his eyes that measured and found everything you did as a sexual come-on, and said so. The first time he came into our room, my roommate and I exchanged a lot of looks, but did and said little to discourage him. I remember I was sitting on the floor, eating a banana. He made a lot of comments about that. (He wasn’t the only one to do that, that year. To this day, I eat bananas by tearing off pieces one by one, instead of just biting it. I’ve gotten so I like the ripping noise and feel, but I started doing it because apparently women aren’t allowed to just eat a freaking piece of fruit without being told it’s all about sex.) I remember him touching my legs, which weren’t shaved, but it was still warm out, so I was wearing shorts. I was embarrassed about the stubble. I was irritated and nervous that he was touching me. I don’t remember when I told him enough, but I do remember I let him touch me for longer than I wanted to. Which was at all. I was trying to be a new, adventurous me. I was trying for urbane, sophisticated, raising my eyebrow at him instead of just jerking away and snarling. It didn’t work. I had to eventually tell him to just stop it. I remember he acted amused and sneering, like he was just testing me. His actions sent up many red flags, but I had put up with a lot of generalized sexual harassment in high school that wasn’t so dissimilar, from boys who were friends. I didn’t like that guy, but I didn’t make a fuss.

Sometime during the next few weeks, I was in another dorm room down the hall from mine with five or six other people, my roommate included. It was a girl’s room, but not everyone in there was female. The guy, the predator, burst into the room with us and threw me down onto the closest bed, dry humped me while I struggled. He was laughing, saying “Oh baby, Oh baby, yes, yes!” in a high pitched voice. It happened so fast, I barely registered he was in the room before he threw me. I flew like I’d been thrown from a merry-go-round. Once I was on the bed, he was on top of me so fast, blocking out the light, blocking out everyone else. I yelled. I thrashed. I could not move him: I was completely stuck. I couldn’t breathe because of his weight, because of the way he had me positioned. I couldn’t get any leverage to knee him or move my arms the way he held me down. I could feel his movement, his laughter, his breath. I couldn’t get him off of me, and my yelling “Stop it! Get off! GET OFF!” meant nothing to him. I was suddenly so angry that if I had had a weapon when he let me up, I would have used it. I am not a violent person, usually, but I felt such a wash of violence come over me like prickly heat: all nausea and sweat and fury. I wanted a knife and I wanted to stab him.

When he did let me up, I screamed, I hit him, I shrieked that he was never to touch me again, if he ever touched me again I would string him up by his balls, I would tear out his guts with a boat hook, I would flay him and leave him to be eaten by buzzards. (Yes, I did. I used to work on imaginative curses for my fiction, so I had these in my head already.) I kept hitting him and kicking him and screaming, which he at first took like “Hah, you’re crazy, what? Why are you mad? It was just a joke!” Looking to the room for confirmation of the joke, of my craziness, fending me off. Eventually he backed up, fled the room, calling me names. I followed him out into the hall, shrieking like mad, yelling anything and everything I could think of. His very large, also football player friends came up to me to block me, back me up, ask me “Why are you treating my friend like that?” I told them to tell their friend if he ever came near me again I would kill him, I would feed his eyeballs to snakes, I would remove his testicles with a rusty fork. I was not quiet. I did not stop screaming. I did back up, and retreated back to my room, still yelling.

The other people in the dorm room when this all happened? Stood there. They laughed when he laughed, laughed when he held me down. Laughed when I started hitting him. They then tried to get me to calm down. I ignored them. My roommate reported to me later that everyone thought I had overreacted, that I was crazy. I told her that I didn’t want to ever be near that guy again, and I didn’t care what everyone else thought. I lost some potential friends for that. I can’t regret it. Mostly we were just thrown together due to our being freshman and living in the same dorm, and while I was sad and felt a little isolated for a bit, I made other friends elsewhere later. But some of those people never really spoke to me again.

FRABLINZQUOTE.jpg

I learned a couple of things from this. When I get really angry, I am prone to violence. If you push me far enough, I will make a lot of noise. So much noise. I also learned that it doesn’t matter how much noise I make, how upset I am: most people will ignore me or try to shut me up. The important thing to them wasn’t that I was assaulted, and no one there would have called that assault. The important thing was that I was crazy. I was loud. I was untrustworthy in a gathering where someone might want to do something to me that I didn’t like. So I couldn’t be around those people.

Maybe that’s unfair – we were all very young and unsure. And it’s possible the laughter I heard was as unsure as the people – uncomfortable, trying to understand where the line is and failing. But I do think it was a failure that those people didn’t try to stop him, not so I noticed. And that when I quite reasonably lost my temper and my cool, and fought back, they said I was crazy. Overreacting. To being held down and dry humped like a sex doll, as though I weren’t a person at all. I have no doubt that if I had just taken it, laughed it off, most of them would have thought that I was a slut. That I was asking for it. If he had ever raped me later, and I hadn’t fought him then, during that first assault, they’d think, well, she probably liked it. I cannot regret that I am not friends with most of those people.

I hope that my shrieking and hitting shocked him. I’m glad it made him retreat. It may be that he didn’t want to escalate with an audience. It may be that the other football players talked him out of retaliating later. It may be that other issues stopped him from retaliating, which I know nothing about. I don’t remember ever speaking to him again. I must have avoided him from then on, because I don’t remember any further interaction at all. He didn’t live on my floor, although he had friends living next door to me. But dorms are small places, and I heard things. I know for a fact that that guy raped at least two women later that year. I know for a fact that one of those rapes went unreported. I know for a fact that guy was a predator, looking for prey. I refused to be quiet prey.

I don’t know exactly why he didn’t try again, but I’m glad he didn’t. I wonder if it’s because I was loud, and people saw it. I wonder if I just seemed like too much work. I do feel terrible for those other women. I hope they got help. I hope they know it wasn’t their fault. I admit to small, petty feelings of vindication when I heard I was right about him. I’m not particularly proud of that, but there’s a part of me that just wanted to shout “I was right!” to certain people. But those rapes weren’t about me, and I also admit to being so relieved I never saw him anymore. Mostly I felt awful they’d happened, and awful that it would probably happen again. I hoped he’d get caught, and stopped. It didn’t occur to me that I could have reported the assault. I didn’t even know it counted. Frankly, I doubt the police or campus police would have thought so, either. But I wish I’d reported it anyway.

not your fucking toy
It wasn’t until the last few years that I recognized what happened as assault. Because it’s not like I was injured or truly hurt, so it can’t have really been assault, could it? We are told, as women, that we should just expect that men will treat us as objects, treat us as subhuman, treat us as though we don’t have any agency or will. That a man can touch us, throw us around, and as long as he’s laughing, that it’s just how men are. (It’s also just how men are when they’re not laughing, but if you’re lucky, you might get to call that assault.) Men just dry hump struggling women on beds. Men just touch women who don’t want them to and make sexual comments about them, what they’d like to do with them. About fruit they’re eating. About clothes they’re wearing. Men just do that, so it’s normal. Assault isn’t normal, so what that can’t have been assault, right?

Wrong. That was assault. Do not accept that men do those things, because most men don’t. People should not do those things. Ever. We, meaning society, have to tell people that they don’t get to do those things, and they’ll be stopped if they do. So that when a predator does those things, we all know that person is a predator. So that young people know assault when they see it, when it happens to them. So it doesn’t happen to them.

We need to change this conversation.


If you need to talk to someone about sexual assault/rape, RAINN can help. You can also contact me via my Facebook page or comment here and I’ll get back to you ASAP. ~Rosie

Related on MMAS:


PSA: Abusive commenters will be deleted and banned, so kindly piss off in advance. (Comment Policy)

86 responses

  1. Kate

    You are legit my hero. Almost the exact same situation happened to me 2.5 years ago and I didn’t realize it was assault until a year ago. I am so freaking proud of how you handled this and was able to write about it. Seriously I feel so much less alone after reading this. God bless you (and may your assailant rot in hell along with mine).

    October 9, 2017 at 10:20 pm

  2. Paula

    I have been raped and touched in places I don’t want for 19 years now it’s never mattered what I say.I hope things do change for women because I have been laught at.

    October 8, 2017 at 4:22 pm

  3. Lulu

    Thank you so much for this. I had an experience a little similar to this, though nowhere near as terrifying. I had been chatting to two of my male friends during study hall. I was wearing a sports bra that day and in the back of my brain, I remembered that someone said sport bras made your chest look smaller. I’ve always prided myself on having no filter and being very open with the things I say, so I casually asked my friends if they thought my chest looked smaller than usual. One of the guys immediately reached over and squeezed one my breasts. He said they didn’t feel any smaller than usual (this comment was especially enraging to me as he hadn’t ever grabbed my breasts before and obviously would not have been able to tell a difference). I was completely caught of guard and I was embarrassed. I mumbled an “oh okay” and changed the subject. After I processed it a little bit, I felt like I had no right to complain about the incident. I was asking a question regarding my breasts, was it so wrong that they’d been groped in the process? I was genuinely conflicted over that question. Eventually, I realized that none of it was my fault and that he HAD done something wrong. I asked him to look, I didn’t give him permission to touch me. I asked him casually, in a way that had no sexual implication. And it was painfully obvious what his intent was. Even a year later I still feel iffy about the whole thing at times, and being re-validated feels so great.

    April 1, 2017 at 2:20 am

  4. Tiff

    I felt so relieved reading this post. I am currently undergoing therapy for trauma and abuse for a good amount of trauma and abuse I’ve sustained in the past. I try my best to avoid any triggering situations, and I’ve even brought this up to my therapyst a few times and a personal advocate I have working with em and both suggest I speak my mind and verbally complain about how I feel, but I have a tough time verbally expressing myself especially when I feel overwhelmed by a triggering situation. Anyway, my landlord had been attracted to me since after I moved into my apt about a year and a half ago, he’s been flirting with me,inviting me out,calling me nonstop when he sees I’m alone or when my love in boyfriend leaves the house,comes knocking on my door and making excuses to corn in when I’m alone with my 2 small daughters, I would tell my bf but he would immediately overreact and that would give the landlord a reason to call police and isolate me even more. (He knows my bf is not afraid to flip out on him) so I don’t know what else to do but I’m very uncomfortable but do not want to cause problems while I live here. Leave me a reply with what you think I should do now. Thanks.

    August 13, 2016 at 8:11 pm

    • Wow, that sounds like a horrible, stressful situation to be in and I’m sorry you’re going through it. I think you do have to handle it carefully so that your landlord can’t retaliate against you (or if he does, you have recourse). I think what I would do in this situation is to send him an email letting him know that I am uncomfortable with his behavior and that I want him to behave professionally. I would mention the specific behavior and how it makes me feel, both to communicate and also to document the behavior and my request that he stop. This way if he responds in any retaliatory way, I would have documentation of what he is responding to and could take legal action. Please feel free to write to me on my Facebook page if you’d like to talk more.

      August 18, 2016 at 2:39 pm

  5. Amy

    So um, i guess first off I would like to say reading this as well as the replies have somewhat made me feel a little more sane. I was wondering if there is a place i can chat with someone with what I’m currently going through regarding sexual assault? Like a website or chat room. I have a counselor i see but i unfortunately can’t get in to see her for another two months. Anyway I’m glad i happened upon this website and appreciate any feedback.

    June 20, 2016 at 2:09 pm

    • Hi Amy. I recently joined a group on Facebook called Sexual Assault Survivors. It’s a good place to find people who understand, but it can also be a difficult place because people are in a lot of pain.

      I have considered starting up a chat room for survivors. The challenge is keeping it safe. Meanwhile, RAINN does have online support if you just need to talk to someone immediately. https://hotline.rainn.org/online/terms-of-service.jsp

      You can also contact me on my FB page at https://www.facebook.com/makemeasammichdotorg/.

      June 21, 2016 at 6:49 am

    • We have FB groups for sexual assault. Teens, Females, Males, Co-ed and Parents of Sexually Abused Children. https://www.facebook.com/groups/835702433107607/?fref=ts

      June 24, 2016 at 2:26 pm

    • Hannah

      hey, I don’t know if this comment is too mate but I kind of need advice.
      I’m 18 and have never kissed a guy or had a boyfriend or anything like that. I met this guy through my friends, he’s 20 and seems like a pretty cool guy. however, since I am so new to all this sort of stuff I kind of need to take things pretty slowly and I just want to hang out and get to know him better. when we hang out most of the time its cool and he seems to genuinely care about me. but sometimes when we hang out he tries to kiss me. one night he tried to kiss me about ten times in the same night, I said “no, I don’t want to” every single time. tonight we hung out and it was cool until he tried to kiss me again and I said “no, no funny business” but then he tried to kiss me again three times. on the bus he tried to kiss me and I said no and then literally not even a minute later he tried to kiss me again. he’s always really light hearted about it and never like tries to physically force himself on me once I say no or hold me down or anything like that but I just don’t understand why he keeps on going in to kiss me after I must have said no to him about 50 times (i’m not exaggerating). his excuse is always that he really likes me and he cant help it. I’m really confused because I get such mixed vibes from him, on the one hand he seems to really like me and care about me and I feel like I like him back but then on the other hand when he gets all touchy and wants to kiss and stuff I get the vibe that he’s just using me or just wants a hook up. I know kissing is normal but I’m inexperienced and need to take things slower, I don’t feel ready.
      so yeah, sorry for the incredibly long post, but I’m just feeling really confused right now and don’t know how to tell if he really does respect and care about me or if he’s just a bit of a creep who wants a hookup.
      thanks for any advice at all, hannah

      August 11, 2016 at 10:54 am

  6. Barbara

    I don’t know how I ended up on this page. I’m 61. I have been raped with gun and knife, that’s a whole nother story. ( although I can tell you, the feelings of guilt and shame and not-sure- I -gave -the -right -signals, bla bla are exactly the same when it’s ‘ real’ rape)
    What strikes me is that what you girls and young women describe sounds SO FAMILIAR! I could have written virtually any of those stories. It is like a compendium of my early sexual experiences. Most of them I’ve blocked out, but that feeling of wrongness, compounded by intense feelings of self-doubt – that is the clue. if you feel uncomfortable, tense, violated ( which to inexperienced young women may feel like anything from resistance, to irritation, to annoyance,to confusion, to abject fear) – if you feel anything other than desire, and you are not in a longterm relationship where desire sometimes has to be (CONSENSUALLY) created…..and you communicate that, HOWEVER you communicate that,and the guy doesn’t stop, YES that is assault and YES he is wrong, and NO it is not your fault, no matter how much rape culture would like us to believe that the evil lies with us, for being desirable, and not with them, for hurting us and making us afraid.

    June 11, 2016 at 9:54 am

  7. Sandra

    6 months ago. My coworker grabbed my breasts right in front of my supervisor who did nothing but laugh
    No repercussions. Workplace did nothing. I was fired 2 months later.

    June 9, 2016 at 4:11 am

    • I’m so sorry. I wish I was surprised. There may be legal recourse for you, but I understand that is its own kind of challenge.

      June 9, 2016 at 6:18 am

  8. Shannon

    I don’t know where to begin. I was 19 years old when my situation happened & im 20 now so it wasn’t long ago. Btw I was also a virgin. I met this guy who was in the military through my brother in law. Well this guy flirted with me nonstop when we first met. He also DID know I was a virgin. We were at a party one night & this was before I fell for him. I actually thought he was disgusting at first. We were sitting on the couch watching tv with everybody (his military buddies) & he started grazing his fingers across my lower leg after he sat really close to me. I moved his hand off of me. He then put his hand back on my leg & by this point I was even more uncomfortable because he ignored me. I asked him what he was doing & he said he liked my soft legs & then began running his hand all the way up my thigh & I ended up just getting up & walking away. Fast forward to later on my brother in law was trying to convince me that this guy liked me a lot & wanted to ask me out. I decided to give him a shot. The date went okay until we got to the movie theater where he started kissing me on the lips & neck during the movie. I froze up at first & didn’t know how to react & I figured there was only one way to react & that was to go with it. He pretty much had his hands all over my body except my vagina. But he defiantly tried to pressure me into letting him touch me there but I kept resisting. Fast forward to next time we hung out I had some wine that night. In fact I had so much I spilled it on my clothes from my clumsiness, & I ended up giving my virginity to him after he put his hand in my pants to see if I was “wet” & then he asked me after he touched me. I stupidly told him yes & then we had sex, but in the middle of it I told him to stop because it hurt & he didn’t until I asked him again & I told him maybe some other time. He woke me up in the middle of the night that night & started fondling me while I was half awake & then tried again but I wouldn’t let him. Then the next morning I woke up to him fondling me again & he pulled the covers off of me & took my pants off & I said “Are you sure?” & he shook his head yes & I let him have sex with me again. That’s only briefly the stuff he would do. He did a lot more similar stuff to me like pressure me, make me feel guilty, or even pushed more wine on me s couple of times. He even tried doing things to me that I would never normally do & I feel like he did that stuff because he knew I was inexperienced at sex & wanted to take advantage. I felt like it was all my fault because I let him do it & never clearly spoke up to him. There was even a time when I was giving him oral & I wasn’t “deep throating” because I wasn’t comfortable with it & he asked me “how deep can you go?” so I tried to go alittle further down & he used his hands to push my head down all the way & had my head pinned where I couldn’t get out of it & he began thrusting into my mouth forcefully. I tried to break out of it but I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to do. After all of this took place he ended up just leaving me & talked about me & how I was in bed in a very bad way to everybody including my brother in law. This whole experience made me go through a type of depression for a few months & I could never figure out why. I thought the whole time it was all my fault until I’ve read about similar situations with other people. I had absolutely no clue that he was sexually assaulting me.

    June 4, 2016 at 1:10 am

    • I’m so, so sorry. This person had no regard for your boundaries or your wishes and everything he did is on him—none of it is your fault. At the point you say no, that’s when it needs to stop. You should never have to fight someone to get control of your body back. If you are fighting, you have withdrawn consent. When you said stop, you withdrew consent. It’s natural that you would experience a lot of complicated feelings around this and depression and anxiety are not at all uncommon in your situation. Please take care and if you want to talk more, you can reach me via the Message button on my Facebook page (Facebook.com/makemeasammichdotorg)

      June 7, 2016 at 6:26 pm

  9. Sadie

    This helped me a lot. Now I don’t feel like a total loser for not understanding what happened to me. But for me it’s mostly because I feel like I made the line of consent really blurry and I’d love it if you could help me determine whether I should feel as violated as I do. I had a boyfriend for a month and a half and looking back he was very touchy-feely and kind of sleazy. He also tended to criticize things about me and treat me like a little kid. But I idealized the whole thing because I was a bit naive and very inexperienced, and I thought that because I wasn’t full out panicking when he did something to me, usually touching my boobs or my groin area, meant I liked it, no matter if I felt a little awkward about it or not. I also missed a lot of red flags, like how he never asked to do something before he did it, only after how I liked it. And again, because I didn’t understand how I was supposed to feel about things, I thought that I was 100% okay with it. I felt like I was in a “real” relationship and didn’t wanna “ruin” it despite the fact that something felt a little off. But one day, again without asking first, he put his hand in my pants and did stuff for like 10-15 straight minutes. And I completely froze. Again, I’m VERY inexperienced so I had no idea what to say or do. But I got very scared. I started having a little bit of an anxiety attack, breathing hard, disconnecting from it and feeling like I was somewhere else. But he mistook that for me liking it. Now I was full out panicking and I knew for sure that this wasn’t okay. But I completely froze. When he was done he asked if that was okay and I tried to be casual about saying it wasn’t my thing even though it was really hard for me to do. And he never talked to me again. Completely abandoned me without even giving me the courtesy of a breakup or a conversation. I feel guilty because I feel like because I’m so naive I unknowingly let him think I was consenting when I really didn’t. Like I “deceived” him except I didn’t know any better. But I also think sometimes, about little things, I was able to let him know stuff like that, and I sometimes feel like maybe he manipulated me into thinking I was consenting so he could do stuff. Like he was counting on me being inexperienced so he could do what he wanted. And then I also think that, like, look what happened when he said no, so I had a right to feel scared to, right? But I could also be paranoid. I have no way of knowing any of that. Again, I was idealizing him and I don’t have much to compare it to so I’m still confused but I know it’s been a lot for me to deal with. If you could give me any advice on the matter that would be much appreciated. Thank you for the article and your time.

    May 18, 2016 at 3:14 pm

    • Hey Sadie – first and foremost he had no regard for your boundaries—for where his body ended and yours began—and he treated your body like it was his to touch whenever he wanted. You’re not supposed to have to have someone touch you and then say “no, I don’t want you to do that.” The way it’s supposed to work—and the reason it felt so wrong—is that you’re supposed to be into it, and the only way he knows you are is that you are telling him that you are. When someone touches you without even asking, they aren’t concerned with whether you want them to. Your paralyzation is actually really common, and unfortunately it’s one way that victims are told they weren’t really assaulted—because they didn’t fight back. Sexual assault and rape laws vary, but in general if a person touches you in a sexual way without your consent, that’s sexual assault. Generally if someone penetrates you in any way without your consent, that’s rape. You couldn’t deceive him because he never asked. I would not be surprised if he specifically and knowingly took advantage of your inexperience. But none of this is your fault. You feel violated for a reason and the blame lies entirely with the person who violated you.

      I hope this helps. Message me at https://www.facebook.com/makemeasammichdotorg to talk more, or you can follow up here. I’ll try to check in often.

      May 18, 2016 at 4:14 pm

  10. Dawn

    I definitely needed to read this. Thank you for sharing your story with me and other women like us. I recently got a roommate and awoke to him in my bed with me, his hands in my panties and this has happened on more than one occasion and he has only been here for 2 weeks. I lock my door and somehow he still gets into my room and I wake up to him beside me, touching me or standing over me watching me. It is 12:30am I am up packing I felt like I have no choice but to leave. Now I feel like I’m not crazy and police won’t look at me like a psycho is I call them and report these things. Thank You!

    May 16, 2016 at 8:38 pm

  11. Elizabeth

    I am sorry this is long and graphic i just feel confused and I need to make sense of what happened help me. was it sexual assault/rape?
    I was 16 at the time, I had a boy friend who was older and in college. Every time we chatted he would start a topic related to sex, like discuss fantasies,porn etc. I cannot say I was entirely innocent, I knew about these things, I am a reader I discuss such things, I had done it before but with him it always felt wrong. A few days after we got into a relationship he started making plans about what we’ll do when we meet and asked me if I’d like to watch porn. I thought he wasn’t serious and jokingly carried on the discussion. But he did bring porn with him when we met for the first time. He sat beside me and as he played porn on his mobile and as his hand wrapped around my waist I grew more and more uncomfortable. I was so shocked he’d actually do it. I told him I didn’t want to watch but he just said come on,eventually I convinced him to turn it off. That day everytime he touched me or kissed my neck my body went stiff. He noticed it too and asked me to chill out. I told him i had to go home , he insisted i stay but the moment i stood up to he lifted me up and kissed me. I thought about how romantic this looked in the notebook but how weird it felt to me. Anyway I just thought I was overreacting and didn’t think much.
    What happened the next time though is another story. As always he was “talking dirty” when he said he’d like to go down on me. I didn’t know how to respond, I remember I didn’t want to act like a baby(stupid so stupid). So i agreed thinking if it actually comes to it i’d just tell him i don’t want to and that’d be the end of it. fast forward next time we meet in a secluded garden , we were sitting on some steps he starts kissing me and gradually he pushed up my tshirt and kissed or touched my breasts. I felt so exposed, i kept thinking what if someone comes and finds us. All this while he murmurs somethings and tells me he wants to taste me down there. I keep shaking my head no,he keeps insisting and pulls my pants off. I imagined him grabbing my throat,pushing me on the ground and taking me if he wanted so I let him push me back. ( You need to know that I am a very short and skinny person I weigh 81pounds he lifts weights heavier then me in the gym)” you are so wet” he said with his face between my head the words , I felt sick. As his mouth did his thing i thought, isn’t this supposed to feel good. why don’t i feel good. I don’t want this. I wanted to clench something but there was nothing. after a while i lifted his face and told him i loved him. he smiled and pulled back. I pulled up my pants. I sit next to him and make small talk while he asks me to return the favour. this time along with the violent shake of my head i verbally say no. again and again, no /please/no/later/ shakes my head repeat. he keeps on insisting. He pulls me onto his lap and undoes his pant. while i keep shaking my head saying please. he puts my hand on his …. making me touch him, I gasp and he kisses me, I could taste my self on his lips. I felt hollow. while I shake my head I tell him i can’t , I don’t know how, I can’t he grabs the back of my head and pushes himself into my mouth. . I only push him off once he relaxes, removes his hand from my head. This incident was followed by various other where he’d force me to kiss him or he’d snake his hands into my pants ignoring my protests.

    April 29, 2016 at 12:02 pm

    • Elizabeth, I’m so sorry this happened to you. Thank you for sharing your story here. You are not alone. None of this was your fault. If you want to talk more, please don’t hesitate to contact me via my Facebook page. Facebook.com/makemeasammichdotorg. <3 Rosie

      May 5, 2016 at 9:20 am

  12. Jamie

    I’m sixteen now. However, when I was fourteen, I went to a summer camp for theater (day thing, so no spending the night) where I met this guy. I’d say his actual name, but something about doing that makes it feel real, I guess. So let’s call him Tom. He was two and a half years older than me, but he was pretty quiet for the first week. I thought he was the cutest guy there, although there were only about four or five. I got his email at the end of the week and it was obvious to everyone that I had a crush on him. We emailed for a few months (from July, I think to about October.) Then he stopped replying.

    I kept messaging him, but he never responded. It was in December that I tried out for another play at the theater and I got in. Turns out he did too. He told me that he lost that email and password, but gave me his new one. My crush hadn’t faded at that point. When we at the theater, he’d kind of hold my hand when we sat next to each other. (Keep in mind, I’m still fourteen at this point and he’s seventeen. I also never had a boyfriend and had no qualms mentioning it. He didn’t tell me he liked me or anything yet either.) Even when I kind of pulled my hand away, he’d take it back, and I kind of felt awkward about the entire thing.

    We started dating in February of the next year. (I was still fourteen and he was still seventeen.) Tom seemed like the sweetest, cutest guy at first. He showered me with attention and even told me he loved me after our first date. He never texted first and I had to chase him to even have a conversation, but he loved me, right?

    Most of the time we hang out, it’d be at his house, in his room, with the door open and his mom down the hall. We would start making out and he’d grab my ass or whatever. He was the one that normally made our relationship go farther than before. (I was an idiot and wanted to make him think I was so mature and tried to sound seductive and stuff.)

    At one point, his hand slipped between my legs. (Now, I wonder if it was actually an accident.) I was a virgin who’d never done ANYTHING to myself, so I told him it was okay. (My fatal mistake in this situation.) This was all before my fifteenth birthday, by the way.

    I can’t quite remember when he started fingering me. It was sometime around my fifteenth birthday. But after that, I started feeling weird about it, so I told him I didn’t want to. (I still hate myself for originally giving him the okay about any of it. I always told myself that I’d be a virgin until marriage and now I’m scared that I’m not.)

    But he would “accidentally” start touching me and then the cycle would start over again. (He did the initial touching, but I continued it and felt guilty midway/after and tell him I didn’t want to.)

    I was exhausted during this time period (more about this below), so I often ended up kind of resting at his house or in the car, with my eyes closed and leaning against him, but still technically awake. Everybody thought I was asleep though.

    During those periods, sometimes he’d put his hand in my jeans, even though he thought I was asleep. I still didn’t realize how fucked up it was though, and I only actually got angry in his face one time.

    Tom didn’t accept no for little things, like me not wanting him to buy me things. (I had no money, which made me feel guilty about not getting him anything.) I had to start every conversation and he would give me one word replies that I couldn’t respond with. A few times, I got pissed when I was tired and said that it was over, but he always talked me out of it. He made me feel so guilty whenever I was mad or upset at him, even if it was totally okay and reasonable for me to be pissed. (Like when I woke up to find his hand in jeans when I was asleep in my family’s car while he and I waited inside it while they picked up some groceries after some day trip.) That was one of the bigger red flags. Another one was a month in the relationship, he confessed that he lied about having no friends and that his ex girlfriend actually wasn’t crazy. (He’d told me that she saw visions and stuff.) He also ended up in juvie for about three days, for stabbing a kid with a pencil. Tom would make me feel like I had to reassure him that he wasn’t going to hurt me or anyone and that he wasn’t evil.

    For most of the relationship, I was fifteen. He turned eighteen in October that year. Late October/early November, I told him I wanted to take a break. I explicitly said that I still wanted to date, but basically, I couldn’t text him at the time. (It didn’t end up working very well.) Because I had quarter tests that I had to study for.

    He broke up with me in November, for a girl that had gone to our theater. (Fun fact: My grandmother had said that she found it suspicious that they hung out alone. I didn’t mind. I asked him about it, anyway. He expressed disgust at the idea of dating her and said they were just friends.) She was thirteen or fourteen at this point. There was an at least three year age different between them. (Probably more.)

    Nothing ended up happening with them, but he apparently was still in love with me. (I truly doubt that.) I messaged him a few time since then and he’s always been trying to make me feel guilty that I’m not dating him. (I couldn’t give a fuck and just ignore that part of the conversation.)

    Another fun fact: he apparently has a crush on my younger twin sister, who we’ll call Riley for her protection. (My name isn’t real either, sorry.) Needless to say, I was immediately worried and told her. (Even though I told him I wouldn’t.) He’s been messaging her (ironically, more than he did for me when we were dating.) He likes video games and comics and she’s obsessed with Marvel.

    He invited her (and me, as an afterthought) to see Captain America: Civil War. Our family had plans to go see it and my grandmother had her invite him. He said that he was just lonely and going stir crazy. When I got upset about this, my grandmother and sister ignored my protests and basically made it out like I was just being mean.

    They don’t know the full extent of the garbage (namely, the sexual stuff) in our relationship, but do know that I don’t like him now and have mentioned many times that he’s a jerk. I’m too afraid to tell them right now (please don’t suggest I do. I will. One day. Possibly. Probably not.), but this feels like a betrayal and it hurts. Even if the sexual stuff hadn’t happened, I kind of thought it’d be a given not to invite him places with us anymore.

    I don’t know what to do. I’m pretty sure this was sexual assault (and possibly rape because he actually penetrated me. Thank God we never had sex. But he tried to guilt me into that too. Thankfully, I made damn sure THAT never happened.), but I’m not positive. What do I do?

    April 18, 2016 at 9:22 pm

    • Jamie, I’m so sorry. First and foremost, this is not your fault. It doesn’t matter what you consented to: the moment you withdrew your consent and he continued, it became assault (rape in the case of penetration). As for virginity, I know there’s a lot of pressure about that, but I hope you’ll try not to worry about it too much. It’s really an abstract social construct more than a black-and-white thing. People lose their hymens for all sorts of reasons, and whether or not you have a hymen has no relation to your worth. You have every reason to be worried that he’s now targeting your sister. That he keeps targeting younger girls as you get older. This person is a predator and chances are he is either using your sister as a means to manipulate you, or he does intent to go after her because he believes you won’t say/do anything about it.

      I am hoping there is someone within your school system or elsewhere that you can reach out to for counsel. I totally understand that you’re not willing to trust your family with this information right now, but is there anyone you might be able to trust? An outside, neutral party who can help you work through it?

      I am always available to talk at Facebook.com/makemeasammichdotorg. Just hit the message button and I’ll answer as soon as I can. Love, Rosie

      April 19, 2016 at 9:07 am

  13. Claire

    This is a great post that I can really relate to. I have a similar experience. I’m in my senior year of college and last year I went to a party with a few friends and we ended up crashing at my other friends place just me my friend her boyfriend and her boyfriends friend. My friend and her boyfriend slept in her bedroom while I slept on one of those pullout couch things that they had in their living room and the other guy slept on the floor in the same room as me. I made it clear several times the night before that I was in a serious relationship when this guy was trying to hit on me and he actually backed off and was like ok so I didn’t think anything would happen. Plus I trusted my friends boyfriend and this was one of his close friends so I really didn’t think anything would happen. I woke up in the middle of the night to find him sleeping next to me and his hand was underneath my shirt squeezing my breasts. I was kind of shocked and didn’t know what to do. I thought maybe I had given him mixed signals since we were all pretty drunk the night before, so I pushed his hand away and told him no I don’t want this. He then pinned me down and told me how much he likes me and how he’s never felt this way about anyone before and how he just can’t resist me and how beautiful he thinks I am. I told him again hat I have a boyfriend who I love and I don’t want anyone other than him to touch me. But he didn’t listen and continued to grope me. I tried to push his hands away but he was too strong. I didn’t really fight back that vigorously I just tried to push his hands away so maybe he took that as an invitation. But I do remember I kept on saying no no I don’t want this and he wouldn’t listen to me at all. I don’t know why I didn’t scream or fight back. I just kept begging him to stop and hoping he would stop on his own, I am not a naturally violent person but now I realize I should have fought back. Then he proceeded to try to kiss me and I turned my face away from him. And he said and I quote it’s not like I’m raping you if I wanted to I would have done it by now. All this time I just hoed he would leave me alone. Things then got worse he put his hands in pants and he touched me made a comment about how I am waxed down there and that means I must have a lot of sex. I was a virgin when this happened. Finally what happened that was too much is he forced my hand near his groin and made me feel him and said see how hard I am for you. That was too much for me I somehow managed the strength to push him off of me grabbed my phone ran out of the room and called my boyfriend sobbing. I don’t know it’s almost been a year since this incident and I don’t know what to do. It makes me feel so dirty and used. I have panic attacks when I think about it when I think about how helpless I was. The worst part was I didn’t fight back and it’s killing me I was just in so much shock I really trusted this guy. Was it my fault I don’t know? I really just wish he had stopped. He later on apologized to me saying he was really drunk and he didn’t know what he was doing and that he blacked out and can’t remember that night but I don’t know whether to believe him or not anyway I don’t hang out with that set of people anymore so I don’t see him but I still just feel so disgusted and empty inside.

    April 13, 2016 at 7:06 pm

    • Claire, I’m so sorry this happened to you and I want you to know first and foremost that it absolutely was *not* your fault. Not due to any mixed signals, and not because you didn’t fight him to the degree you think you should have. Your reaction is very common and nothing to be ashamed of. And the fact that he apologized tells me he remembers more than he says he does. He clearly wanted you to know that he was in control—that he could have done whatever he wanted if he wanted to. These are the actions of a predator and chances are this is not the first time he’s done this. Please write to me at Facebook.com/makemeassammichdotorg if you’d like to talk more. Take care. -Rosie

      April 14, 2016 at 4:16 am

  14. A little under a year ago, I lived in a 6 bedroom 7 bathroom house that was always rented out to college kids. I had lived there almost 2 years and never had any problems. The roommate next to me wanted to move out before his lease ended, so he turned to Craigslist to find a replacement. The replacement was approved and he moved in. I had only met him once which was when I knocked on his door to ask if he had seen my cat who was missing. That was all, just a question of if he’d seen my cat and introducing myself as his next door roommate.
    Later that night (past 3 AM), I woke up to a noise in my room. I couldn’t really see him but after I announced to the intruder that I was calling the cops, I heard him tell me he was sorry but he was just really shaken up as he was robbed and beaten up a bit on his way home. I put on a robe (as a sleep naked) and turned on the light to comfort him. Finally I told him I needed to sleep and he left thanking me for my understanding.
    I thought it was odd, but I felt that, as I’ve not been mugged before, I couldn’t really understand what state of mind he was in. I fell back asleep.
    Later that evening I awoke again, but this time feeling someone’s hands between my legs before feeling them jump off my bed. When my eyes adjusted to the light, I could see the top of his head peeking up from the end of the bed. He was shaking. I told him I could see him and to get the fuck out. He acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about before finally leaving. I started crying and called the landlord and my friend. He told the landlord I had invited him to sleep on my bed as I understood how shaken up he was. The landlord told me the guy promised to leave me alone and that that was all that could be done. I moved out that day.
    Friends told me I should report the guy, but I felt like I couldn’t (primarily due to my history with men and the fact that I had no proof he had actually done anything). Now I think back and wonder how odd it was that, while he said he was mugged, he still had his phone and wallet on him when he first came to my room. I’ve long wondered if maybe he had actually assaulted another woman that night which would account for the scratches on his face and arms. I feel like such a coward now for not reporting him.

    April 12, 2016 at 12:17 am

    • I’m so sorry. I totally understand why you chose not to report him at the time. There are good reasons you felt the way you did. Most perpetrators of sexual assault walk free because the burden is on us to prove not only that assault occurred, but that we are worthy victims. You saw from the landlord’s reaction the way this was likely going to go. I’m so glad you moved out. Feel free to write to me via my Facebook page at Facebook.com/makemeasammichdotorg

      April 12, 2016 at 11:56 am

  15. Kelly Gonzalez

    Hello, I wanted to share my experience of sexual harassment. So I went to Mexico for a week during spring break and I was staying at my aunt’s house. When it got to the second to last day before we had to leave, my cousin texted her guy friend to come over. I had never had my first kiss and my two female cousins thought it wonderful to have my first kiss in Mexico. I was super nervous because I don’t know how to do the kiss thing, but my cousin said the guy would show me. I agreed that I would have my first kiss with that guy even though I had only known him for no more than 4 hours. I didn’t know his age or even his name, I just thought he was cute and he was really nice when we first met. Anyway, he gets to my aunt’s house and we walk to the side of the house, he holds my hands and starts kissing me. At first I’m thinking, “okay this isn’t that bad”. But then he starts giving me tongue! My cousin told him it was my FIRST KISS, so you’d think it’d be a simple/basic/normal kiss. NOPE. The guy started pulling me by my waist closer to his genitals. I could feel his erection coming on and at this point I am freaking out. He notices it because he tells me “don’t be nervous”. I tell him okay and do a nervous ‘haha’. He later moved my hand near his crotch area. I quickly moved it away. He continues kissing me and tells me if I wanna go into his truck and drive somewhere. I tell him ‘it’s getting really late, I have to go”. He says, “come on I took a risk by coming out here tonight”. I immediately get in my mode and say, “oh please”. How dare he tell me that!? As if I owed him anything! He willingly drove there for the kiss, not for all that other stuff. I begin walking back to the front of the house where the garage door is at, but I feel him grab my wrist. I don’t budge but I feel him behind me as he whispered into my ear, “let my feel your hips”. I felt that tingly feeling you get on your ear, like goosebumps or something. So he puts both hands on my hips and pulls me toward him. He puts his crotch on my butt while still holding me. He begins dry-humping me!!! May I remind you, I am 17 and he is 21! I did not find out his age until he left and I asked my cousin, but he knew mine. I was completely grossed out and pissed of and I felt so nauseous. I finally said, “bye” and walked off fast. When we got upstairs, my cousins asked how it was and I said it was the worst experience, I hated it and wished I could undo it. They said, “awww Kelly don’t be mean he’s a nice guy”. They completely changed their mind when I revealed to them the part about him dry-humping me and his erection. My oldest cousin said she would text him to tell him that was a shitty thing to do. Later that night he texted my cousin to ask if I liked it. I said “NOOO”. He kept asking her to give him my number and asking what time I was catching my flight the next morning. I felt totally creeped out and disgusted the rest of the night. I couldn’t sleep because I felt like he took advantage of me. No he didn’t rape me, but he probably would have if my cousins hadn’t come out to check on me. I was so scared because I knew he was stronger than me and I had no idea what type of person he was, how perverted of him. I feel traumatized because people expect their first kiss to be something sweet/memorable, not to get dry-humped. It was also weird how he asked me if I had citizenship in the USA and when he told me to “stay with him”. He knew I had a flight in the morning, why would I leave my whole life to stay with an older-guy pervert! I just wish I could turn back time. :(

    April 8, 2016 at 4:40 pm

    • Ugh, that sounds awful. What a creep. I’m so sorry that your first kiss turned out so awful, and I wish I was surprised, but boys are often raised to believe they’re supposed to push as hard as they can and they become men who don’t respect boundaries. Some of them, like this guy, commit sexual assault when they decide to randomly dry hump a girl or woman without her consent. Some of them see underage girls as easy prey. This guy sounds especially creepy and I’m so glad you didn’t have to be alone with him any longer than you did. I understand that feeling of wishing you could turn back time. Just know you did nothing wrong. You consented to a kiss. The rest was him. Take care and feel free to message me at facebook.com/makemeassammichdotorg

      April 11, 2016 at 1:39 pm

  16. Val

    Hey girl,

    Great post. It really resonated with me, especially the whole “I didn’t know.” Statistics say that as many as half of us women have been or will be sexually assaulted, and sometimes I wonder, in my more pessimistic mindsets, if it isn’t actually much higher. I, too, was sexually assaulted. There, I finally said it! I’ve always known it, but never voiced it out loud. I just pushed it down. Sometimes the memory would flare up, and I’d push it down again. Tonight, I watched the very excellent/terrifying movie “The Hunting Ground.” This got me to reflecting on my college career, and then I finally allowed myself to remember. I was hanging out at an acquaintances home with a small group. Everyone left the room except me and the “host,” and I suddenly fou d myself pinned beneath him on the couch. His hands were everywhere, and he was kissng my neck. As soon as his hamd went into my underwear, I remember having a very clear thought of “He’s going to rape me.” I guess the realization of that was enough to make me fight hard and get away. God, 14 years later, and it is still so awful. Anyways, thanks for your post. It takes a lot to be able to look back with some objectivity and see things for what they are, being honest. I find that I tend to justify it away, or ignore it. But it’s not okay, it’s not my fault. Cheers.

    March 20, 2016 at 11:38 pm

    • Thank you Val, for reading and for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for what you went through. <3

      March 21, 2016 at 1:07 pm

    • Meghan

      I posted already and told my story, and I haven’t told my counselor yet. I just can’t bring myself to it, or my dad. I’m started to have horrible nightmares. It’s almost the same each time. Rape. It started off with the guy that assaulted me ending up raping me, but now, it’s blurry faces that I can’t make out. They’re in a group or alone. I wake up sweating and out of breath from these dreams.

      I was just wondering if anyone who’s reads this thinks I need to seek professional help or do y’all have a easy way to get over it

      March 21, 2016 at 2:09 pm

  17. Dianemilu

    I really need help. Was this assault? And more.. Pedophilia?
    He is 17 and im 13 so we have been good friends and gone on a date. Weve been talking and he kissed me. Thst was weird af for me. It was my first kiss and i felt nothing. Just embarassig. He then told me to sit on his lap and i did bc there was rly no problem with me. He started grabbing my booty and i was rly unconfortable so i made up an excuse and we went away. He slapped me hard twice in the ass. Was this assault? We dont talk anymore.

    March 17, 2016 at 4:08 pm

    • It is assault because he kissed you and touched you without your consent. Since he is under 18, I’m not sure whether it would legally qualify as pedophilia—that differs depending on region. The important thing at this point is how you feel about it. You didn’t do anything wrong in agreeing to sit on his lap, and agreeing to sit on his lap was not also an agreement to let him touch you. Please feel free to write me via my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/makemeasammichdotorg/

      March 21, 2016 at 1:12 pm

  18. Jane Doe

    Could you, or anyone, please respond as soon as you can?

    I’m not sure if this was really assault or rape or whatever, but it’s messing with my head and I can’t tell anyone about it, and it happened a few years ago, so they likely wouldn’t care.

    So I had been going on ocassional dates with boy Y in middle school, and he was very needy and told me he would kill himself if I tried to stop seeing him. Obviously, that isn’t healthy and I eventually would burn all bridges that lead to him.
    Before that happened, however, boy Z, whom I had had a HUGE crush on the time, stumbled into my life. We went on a date to a pool and he kissed me- my very first kiss- and told me that he wanted to show me a cool spot. I was naive and followed him, not knowing what else to do. We found an abandoned bathroom (such a cool spot) and proceeded to make out. I just kind of stood there, awkwardly, and he told me I wasn’t working hard enough, so I started to kiss him back. He then untied my swim suit top, and I told him not to, but off it came. I think I started telling him I had to leave at this point, but I kept kissing him. He fondled my chest. I tried to grab for my top when we heard someone outside and so I ran into a stall. He followed me, and proceeded to lock the stall. At this point I started to feel faint and the stall felt like it was crushing me. He hugged me to comfort me, and I accepted. Then, suddenly he started to finger me while I was still wearing my bottoms. I told him how much it hurt, and he kept doing it. I then pushed him away, noticing my blood on his fingers. He then pulled his trunks down, exposing himself, and demanded a handjob. I refused, and he grabbed my hand and forced it onto his genitals, forcing the motion. As soon as he let go I began to cry and he again hugged me. At this point I put on my coverup and top and left without saying anything. I was in a daze and didn’t say anything to my mother, but took a four hour bath in scalding water.

    I eventually confided in boy Y, (stupid me), who then told me how disappointed he was and how I was tainted. I told my friend, girl X, about it, and she messaged boy Z through my phone some sort of insult, to which he explained how he hated me and that he could have raped me if he wanted. These events caused me to attempt suicide, after a few weeks of full, meaningless misery.

    Fast forward to my second (and last as of date boyfriend) whom I eventually told my secret to, as he was starting to notice how I never really got physical and always had to have a window near by or open (the dark and cramped space it all happened in left me uncomfortable in confined spaces without exit), and he promised that he would never pressure me into anything. Regardless, we would kiss and then he would start dry humping me. I asked him to stop, even punched him once through a weird kind of flash back moment, and yet he would always do it no matter what I said. While I don’t think he had bad intentions, I felt like some sort of rag doll being used for sex.

    What is your opinion on the above two situations? Assault? Stupid young teenagers? My fault?

    I’m 19 now, and still have trouble with things that remind me of it.

    Thank you. I really need someone to listen.

    March 14, 2016 at 7:38 pm

    • I am so sorry you went through these experiences. In both cases you were dealing with men with no regard for your boundaries. Both of these young men assaulted you. The first sounds like an outright predator. The second sounds like someone with serioius boundary issues. I’m sorry it took me some time to respond to this. Please feel free to write to me on my FB page at https://www.facebook.com/makemeasammichdotorg/ to continue the conversation. Take care. <3

      March 21, 2016 at 1:16 pm

  19. leyn

    sex offenders will living freely in a world of many blind eyes, deaf ears and simply ignorants.

    March 13, 2016 at 6:27 am

  20. Meghan

    So… I’m just writing this to know if I should be worried and if he did sexually assault me. Cause’ I really don’t know.
    I’m in 8th grade, I’m 14 and I matured a lot faster then any other girls I ware a D size bra and it attracted a lot of guys in my class and in high school. I do live in Louisiana and the school I go too has only about 220 people there and it’s pre-k through 12th.
    To what happened (I will is fake names). So it was around the beginning of November of late in October, in not really sure, but I went to my 6th hour class with my class and when we got there we had to finish our FFA leaf project (you just collect a bunch of different leaves). Well CJ and I didn’t finish, along with other people but our teacher- we had woods around our school- let CJ, his friend Dylan and I go in the woods to try and find the leaves by which we needed. Well, when we went in the woods Dylan went on his own way and left CJ and I alone, and we were just joking around and stuff and having fun, not even bothering looking for the leaves. Eventually he wanted me to give him a piggy back ride because I wouldn’t let him give me one because I was wearing a skirt. When he jumped on my back I lasted about 30 sec. and then we fell. Well, when we fell I was between his legs and we were just laughing but then he started grabbing my breasts and I tried to get him to stop but I couldn’t get up because he was holding me down and I told him “no” but he wouldn’t listen. He then forced his hand between my legs and tried to finger me but the think was he couldn’t because I was also wearing tights with my skirt but he did however get a little ways in and it hurt. I eventually saw Dylan and broke myself out and ran to him. I acted as if nothing ever happened. But we were far back in the woods and we found all the leaves we could and we were heading back to school. Dylan was a little in fro t of CJ and I but I didn’t mind because I thought the CJ wouldn’t try anything when his friend was around. Well I was also wearing flats that easily slipped off and one fell off. CJ picked it up but wouldn’t give it too me. He said “I’ll give you it back if I can grab your boobs.” Well there were thorns and pine cones all around us so I could t make it back to school without hurting my feet badly so this is what I thought. I thought that if I said yes and I put my shoe that I could put run him because we weren’t that far to school so I said yes and was he surprised. He came up to me and was about to grab me but I stopped him and said that he had to give me my shoe back. He did and I put it on and ran. To my luck I ran to a gate with trees that I couldn’t go through and only the way I came could I go back. Well CJ was there and he said that I couldn’t go anywhere and that I just shouldn’t fight him and live up to my end of the deal. Thinking that I could run pass him, I tried and I did get pass him but he grabbed my hair and pulled me back and tried to through me on the ground. He then viciously started to grab my breast and dry humping me and it really hurt, I was begging him to stop but he wouldn’t. He eventually stopped and left me alone.
    A week later he texted me asking for nudes and he said that he would stop messing with me if I gave them to him. I sent them to him and he did stop. For about 2 and a half months we went by like nothing ever happened. All though between this time and now I told my counselor, Mr. Bob, what happened, I didn’t tell him everything but he did stress that if he touched me again that I should immediately come to him.
    Present Day:
    CJ is now started to act strange. Well before he touched me he was acted strange, he would slap my butt or try to left me shirt or rub against me. Now he’s starting to rub up against me and he pulled a hand full of hair out of my head when I said something he didn’t like and he would bend my hand back where it would fill as if it was about to break but he would stop right before it would.

    Question:
    Was this serious or not?
    It’s just that he was laughing the whole time he did this.
    Also, should I be worried that he’ll try something else some because of how he’s acting.
    And should I tell my counselor

    January 30, 2016 at 8:15 pm

    • Dear Meghan, this is absolutely serious and yes, I believe you should tell your counselor if you feels safe doing so. I’m so sorry. It songs really scary and upsetting. These boys have no regard for your right to choose who touches your body and when. They will very likely keep doing this (to you and others) unless they face real consequences. Are you able to talk to anyone at home about this? Please feel free to message me via my Facebook page to talk more. Facebook.com/makemeasammichdotorg

      February 5, 2016 at 11:54 pm

  21. Katie

    Hi –

    Is it possible that unaddressed sexual assaults can cause future sexual issues? I’m not sure if I was assaulted but I have two memories from college that make my stomach turn a bit. One was when I was intoxicated at a party. I was “dating” this guy, which basically entailed coming over late at night and sleeping with him (I was going through this awful phase in which I was trying to get over my ex-boyfriend). One night I was very tipsy and he took my up on the roof and starting having anal sex with me. It was extremely painful and I had no idea how to get him to stop. Granted, I could have said no, but I was tipsy and confused and a little bit scared.

    On another occasion I went over to watch a movie with a guy I was interested in. When the movie finished, he quickly took my clothes off and pushed me down toward his genitals to suggest that he wanted oral sex. I was terrified because I really did not know this man well and didn’t know how he would react if I refused, so I gave in.

    I’m married now to an amazing man, but having issues with my libido. Granted, I do take a few medications for anxiety, but I just am wondering if these earlier encounters could cause issues as I’ve never addressed them with a counselor.

    January 21, 2016 at 1:55 pm

    • I believe it’s absolutely possible for that to be an issue. It’s an issue for me. Between sexual trauman and the meds I take to deal with depression/anxiety, my libido can be almost nonexistent.

      January 26, 2016 at 12:55 pm

  22. Lily

    Hi,

    Someone please shed light on this for me. I have been struggling for over a year with the guilt, pain, and confusion. Long story short, I have a wonderful boyfriend in my life. I have always been so so so in love with this man – I have fought for us and will forever. I had a good friend, let’s call him Steve. Steve and I had taken some hard courses together and studied frequently together. I grew up with guys as my best friends so I really don’t shy from treating them exactly how I treat my girl friends. I am a touchy feely person and flirtatious, always have been. I went to Steve’s house after my boyfriend had gone home, he knew I was going and said to be safe. A bunch of people were there and I did some innocent flirting with Steve. I talked about my boyfriend to anyone who asked and boasted about him any chance I could get. Much later in the night and after many drinks it was suddenly just he and I. I suggested we watch a movie because he did not want me walking home that late at night (I go to school in North Philly – definitely not a good idea to walk home by yourself anywhere and I was extremely far off campus). I believe I said something that was teasing or flirting but it was all just a joke to me. Was he attractive? Yes and I always did have a little petty crush on the kid but I could never date him OR even be sexual with him lol. I remember asking for a pair of shorts to borrow since I was sleeping over – I made him look away so he wouldn’t see me in my underwear and eventually we were just sitting in his bed watching the movie. So he tried kissing my neck and lips and I tried to be cool about it and just say cmon dude, you know better, I have my boyfriend. He’d back off then he would try again. I felt so awkward and granted he was an attractive guy but I knew it was wrong so I kept trying to politely say no and cock block him. He eventually pulled me on top of him and shot up and tried to kiss me – I backed away so he just braised my lips. I immediately got super hazy and got off and turned over and said get away from me and then passed out. I woke up in the same position I fell asleep in so nothing further happened. This incident has haunted me ever since. I have OCD and it developed into obsessing about my relationship with my boyfriend, who, was disappointed/angry with me but forgave me as he saw it was not really my decision and I ultimately did the right thing. I should also mention when I was around 16, my good friends and I were drinking and we all went to bed when one of them went up my shorts and fingered me. I had no idea what to do – I froze. I let it happen and then went back to sleep and woke up like it never happened so my therapist suggests that I am also coping with that incident as well since I never did. I hate myself for this and it kills me that I betrayed my boyfriend who is the definition of a perfect man which makes my OCD even worse. *The better the relationship, the worse the OCD* :/ I just would like some light shed on the situation and some other opinions on this situation. :/ So many people said I shouldn’t have done it, it wasn’t a big deal, it was disrespectful to call it a sexual assault because there are people who have been violently assaulted, I just want attention…etc. All of these things have hurt so much.

    December 19, 2015 at 12:57 pm

    • Hi Lily. I’m not sure why your boyfriend was disappointed or angry with you since you did nothing wrong. When someone touches you in a sexual way without your consent, that *is* sexual assault. When someone penetrates you without your consent, that’s rape. These things are true regardless of the level or type of violence involved. I’m so sorry to hear that you blame yourself for any of this. You are the victim of people who felt entitled to your body regardless of your wishes. If you’d like to talk more, you can reach me via my FB page: https://www.facebook.com/makemeasammichdotorg/ With love, Rosie

      December 23, 2015 at 12:19 pm

  23. Grace

    I myself don’t even know if what happened to me counts as assault. I had just moved out on my own to attend college in a new city and I met a guy at college who now freaks me out.

    He approached me and started conversation with me like we’d known each other for years. He started telling his friends that I was his girlfriend before we even started anything. I didn’t feel comfortable with his advances, as I am three years older than him. He kept telling his friends and family I was his girlfriend and kissed me two days after I met him. To be honest I felt ashamed of myself for letting him get close enough to kiss me. Anyway a week later he asked if I’d like to go see a movie with him, entirely platonic mind you. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable dating someone so much younger than me. When we were at the movies he kept grabbing my face and pulling me in to kiss. Every time I’d pull away he’d pull me back in.

    Finally after the movie he tells me he’s waiting for his ride and I innocently suggested we sit in my car where it was warm (it was snowing and cold outside) he accepted my offer and barely ten minutes went by before he was pulling me in for kisses and forcing me to French kiss despite how many time I gagged or pulled away. He started fondling my breasts through my shirt and while I didn’t say no, I certainly never said yes that he could touch me. He started pressuring me for sex and that’s when I started saying no. He must have asked well over a dozen times and kept on no matter how many times I refused. He started kissing me again but I wasn’t enjoying it and then he lowered my shirt so he could get his hands in my bra. I tried to adjust my shirt and he just lowered it again and began pressuring me for sex again. I told him I was saving myself for marriage and he asked if I’d ever marry him…no joke. Anyway he started trailing his hands down towards my pants and I thank god my phone rang, because it was my brother calling to find out when I was coming home. I told the guy that he needed to call his ride so I could go home and that’s when he broke the news that he never actually had anyone picking him up. He’d assumed I’d have taken him back to my place. I told him no and instead of kicking him out and leaving him in the cold I told him I’d take him to his grandparents place. I’m not the type of person to be so rude to another human being despite improper treatment. Anyway after that he continued pressuring me for sex on the drive to his grandparents and I kept refusing. Barely a week after that I quit texting him but he continued texting me for almost three months asking me if I’d reconsider and come back.

    I hate myself and constantly wonder if I was stupid in letting things get so far, if what happened even counted as assault. I was 23 at the time and to this day almost a year later I still wonder what exactly happened. Was it just stupidity or was it assault?

    December 11, 2015 at 7:39 pm

    • Hi Grace. I’m sorry you’re feeling so awful about this. It wasn’t your fault at all and yes, it was assault because he groped you without consent. You weren’t stupid—you were doing what you were very likely taught, which was trying to be polite even though someone was utterly disregarding your wishes and your right to decide when and how people touch you. You do have that right, even though there are so many men out there who seem to think their entitlement to sex somehow trumps our right to control our own bodies. Please message me at my FB page if you’d like to talk more! https://www.facebook.com/makemeasammichdotorg/

      December 14, 2015 at 3:20 pm

  24. Alright, so I’m officially not crazy. Of late, guys have totally been having their way with my body. Strangers mostly, and sometimes acquaintances, touching me, mostly on my boobs. I began to notice some form of “sexual numbness” at the parts of my body where this kept happening, when I was with a guy I truly care about… my mates tell me I’m crazy for being so uncomfortable about it.
    The part about strangers you mentioned has been happening sooo much these past months (I live in a third world country where rapists and pedophiles are protected by the system, and male chastity is a myth). The part about it being mostly my tits has begun to make me mentally define myself as fat (Guess I’m so fat that I attract all the attention of the world to my tits) even though I’m a size C on a skinny, ready-to-breakish body. It’s triggered memories of bullying and childhood experiences….. it sucks…. and the fact that people think I’m overreacting…. isn’t helping. I no longer stop guys from abusing me when I can. I just join the bandwagon and say “It’s just a touch”. I don’t WANT to lie about my feelings…. it’s just that with time…. I’ve begun to feel more and more crazy. I used to be the girl in this article. Screaming. Fighting. Talking. With time…. I feel more crazy. A guy even once forced me to explain what was so wrong about what he did…. This stuff….. It sucks. Help

    December 9, 2015 at 11:50 pm

    • Ugh. That’s awful. I’m so sorry. You are not crazy for thinking that it’s wrong for people to just decide to touch your breasts whenever they want! It’s not ok at all. It should simply be enough to say “I don’t want you to” but when people don’t care what you want…ugh. I remember as a teen when the boys would tackle one of us girls and pull our pants off. It was never ok with me, but everyone else was laughing and I was a jerk if I didn’t laugh with them. I wish someone had taught me that it’s perfectly normal to feel uncomfortable and violated when people do things like this and that it’s NOT OK for them to. Feel free to message me on my FB page to talk more! https://www.facebook.com/makemeasammichdotorg/

      December 14, 2015 at 3:07 pm

  25. Andi

    Um, I mean, I never said no to him or struggled, but I’d always remark later that I felt like a slut… He was eighteen and my first boyfriend. I’m fifteen.

    December 9, 2015 at 2:59 pm

  26. Andi

    I have a question. My (now ex) boyfriend had touched me before, but he started doing it when I said no or even when I was asleep. Like, he’d gone with my family to the aquarium or something (I can’t remember now) and we stopped to get groceries or something. I was pretty much asleep, not really noticing what was going on, so we stayed in the car. He started touching me and I only noticed after several minutes. I flipped out and he said he was sorry and flinched and it made me feel guilty. He did that a few times when his mom or dad dropped me off or we went somewhere together. We spent a lot of time at his house together and he’d just start touching me, despite me having said earlier that I didn’t want him to. He’d say it was an accident, but he kept doing it “accidentally”, even when we were just sitting there. It didn’t even have to be when we were kissing, the most clear situation in my head was a night that we had been at his house and we were just watching a kid’s movie. I was sitting in between his legs and he had his arms wrapped around my shoulders, when he put his hand down my shirt. I didn’t really want to make him upset, because every time I asked him to stop, he just curled into himself and I hated when he did that, because I felt guilty, so I didn’t. He stopped after a while, but did it repeatedly with the same thing happening over and over again. Did he sexually assault me?

    December 9, 2015 at 2:55 pm

    • Hi Andi,
      I’m sorry you went through this. He did sexually assault you repeatedly and used your guilt to keep you from doing anything about it. This seems like a person who either has no concept of bodily autonomy or feels so entitled that your consent just didn’t matter. I’m glad he’s an ex now. Let me know if you’d like to talk more. You can reach me at my FB page: https://www.facebook.com/makemeasammichdotorg/

      December 14, 2015 at 3:03 pm

      • merciacrops

        I’m sorry, but I don’t understand where sexual assault begins exaxtly?
        I thought men and women who were dating just touched each other anyway?

        I can understand touching a person when they’ve said no you shouldn’t do.
        But if it’s your partner and they haven’t told you they don’t want to be touched is that still sexual assault or is it just normal?

        I don’t understand this at all. Just seems so far that sexual assault is just a blanket term for any bodily contact.
        And if a person can’t touch their partner except during sex, how does sex happen anyway? Often people touch to build the mood, what are a couple supposed to do? Just talk each other up to arrousal?

        I’m not dismissing anything anyone says here. Just don’t know what assault is actually considered and don’t want to be assaulting anyone.

        February 23, 2016 at 11:08 am

  27. Alone in MA

    -TRIGGER WARNING- NOT GRAPHIC- I was very recently sexually assaulted. Not raped. I feel the need to clarify that they are two different things because THEY ARE. Sexual assault is any contact of a sexual nature without the expilcit consent of two, sober individuals. On top of clothes or below, aggressive or nonaggressive. My parents said to me “well its not like you were raped. Just get over it. You dont want to ruin your life again.” and even threatened that if my attitude didnt change that i would lose my job at our family owned business. Im not sure what to do. Im scared (but not in any danger), no one is taking me seriously and have a past history of depression. Friend A was there when it happened and heard but did not see what was happening, she said that the predator in this case was sorry and didnt know what he was doing since he had been drinking. Friend B told me to press charges. Family is saying dont. I dont know how to pretend im okay. Im going to lose my job and possibly my place of living over this and im terrified.

    November 30, 2015 at 4:47 pm

    • I’m so sorry to keep you waiting. Yes, there is a difference in legal definition, but I don’t think we can really quantify the effect something like a sexual assault has on each individual person. I have had assaults that I barely registered and ones that still make me cringe. I don’t think there’s a right way to survive an assault. You shouldn’t need to pretend you’re ok if you’re not and I’m sorry you’ve felt like you had to. I wish your parents could understand that what you need right now is help and support, not ultimatums. I recommend talking to someone outside the situation such as a counselor who has no personal stake in your decision but might have resources at their disposal that would be helpful. Please message me at https://www.facebook.com/makemeasammichdotorg/ and we can talk more.

      December 14, 2015 at 2:59 pm

  28. Ladaiya

    I’m a young girl who’s in middle school and I’m not sure if I have been sexual assaulted. It was at the beginning of my year in school and I knew this person from pre school. He dug under my pants, I didn’t know what he was doing at first because I was so young but I got mad. I remember me not telling the teacher because he offered my ice cream to shut up me up, I regret the fact that I didn’t say anything now. Now that I’m older and we were in the same classes again, he’s doing the same actions again. He was touched and butt and rubbed against my shoulders in class this year and a week ago his friend has said a disgusting g comment I didn’t get to properly hear when I passed the both of them. At this point, I’m scared of telling anyone because I dont want to get unwanted attention from other people because of the problem, I’m afraid of getting bullied because of it. The person who’s doing this is quite well known at the school anyways, any advice for me?

    November 28, 2015 at 4:15 pm

    • Hi Ladaiya,
      If he’s doing these things to you, he is very likely doing them to others as well (and probably has been for some time). I understand that getting bullied over something like this is a real risk and I encourage you to protect yourself in whatever ways you need to. I’m wondering if there’s a counselor at the school you could talk to about this. It may be that this person’s behavior just needs to come to the attention of the right person who can then investigate and take action without bringing your name into it. Please feel free to message me on my FB page if you’d like to talk more: https://www.facebook.com/makemeasammichdotorg/

      December 14, 2015 at 2:55 pm

  29. Kitty

    This happened to me recently and I don’t know if it was sexual assault.

    I was seeing a guy for a month, much older guy, he’s in his forties, I’m in my mid-teens. Stupid, I know. He treated me like a princess and even though it was a month, it felt like he really cared about me as a person

    We met up twice. The first, if was nothing but kissing and talking and cuddiling, nothing bad, really.
    Then things took a turn the second time..

    There was a lot of sexual tension between us and I mean A LOT. He was in fact a pretty handsome guy and he said I was beautiful, And he decided to drive a couple hours from where I lived and stopped at a “private” hot tub place where he got us a room. I had NO idea what was going on until he turned on the lights and I saw a bed.
    I don’t wanna go into detail, but the farthest we went was him fingering me, which I told him to stop halfway through and he did.

    I wanna remind you, I was very infatuated with this man at the time, I didn’t care about the age gap. We cuddled for half an hour, he let me hold his arm and he took me home, gave me one last kiss and he drove away.

    My parents found out I lied about where I was. I confessed to them about who I was with, how old he was, everything except for him taking me to that place. I told my mother he fingered me.

    Now, I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel like I was violated, but due to the amount of consent at the time, and due to the fact that I cannot tell my parents exactly what he did because this man has caused nothing but chaos and I wanna keep him out of my life, I’m very unsure if this counts as molestation, sexual assault, rape, I don’t know. He promised me he was clean of any STDs, and that’s the only thing I believe from his mouth.

    So, exactly what do I call this incident? Was it just a mistake or is it more worse than that?

    Please answer as soon as possible!!

    -“Kitty”

    November 26, 2015 at 8:00 pm

    • Hi Kitty! I’m so sorry to keep you waiting so long. Older male predators often seek out young girls because they are young and inexperienced, and if the girl is attracted to the man, it can make things really confusing. Since you are underage, you are legally not able to give consent, which makes his actions illegal. Since there was penetration, it would probably count as rape legally. He definitely seems like the sort of person who preys on teenage girls and I’m glad he’s out of your life. I’m happy to talk more if you’d like to message me on my FB page at https://www.facebook.com/makemeasammichdotorg/. Take care, Rosie

      December 14, 2015 at 2:52 pm

  30. Lana

    It’s weird – being here… commenting.
    I’m in my 50’s and am finally looking at the possibility that I was sexually abused as a child. Yes, weird writing that.
    I stumbled onto this blog and read this post. What courage to rage after this horrible person into the hallway. I am so glad that you did… so glad that you protected yourself and chose your feelings over his.
    Often we women are too ‘nice’ and don’t want to cause any problems and so we stay quiet. I LOVE that you used your voice.
    One particular line prompted me to comment “that a man can touch us… and as long as he is laughing…”
    Unrelated to my original remark about abuse… when I was a teenager my mother grabbed my breasts and jiggled them and made some comment as she laughed. I felt so angry. I had never thought of this as a sexual violation but I’m beginning to think that it was. The persons laughter doesn’t change the act. I guess a good point of reference would be to imagine the act without the laughing. Is it OK? Would it be OK for that guy to throw you on the bed, keep you pinned down, and dry hump you without laughter? NO. That would have looked very different to the people in the room. Would it be OK for my mother to fondle my breasts without laughter? NO. This scenario now makes me cringe.
    Would it be OK for a father to play baseball with his son without laughter. Yes. Take the laughter away and then ask if what happened was OK if you’re not sure.

    November 21, 2015 at 5:14 pm

  31. guest

    Im not sure if this is sexual assault or not but i feel like i need to know. Im 23 years old and im sort of friends with a guy who has begged me to do sexual favours for him since i met him. Finally one night I had some drinks and i gave in, i promised myself i would never do it again because it felt wrong and every time i seen him i couldn’t even look at him. The other night i was at my friends and i went to bed by myself. He came into the room saying he wanted to cuddle and crawled in the bed with me. At first he just hugged me and so i tried to sleep and then he started to touch me. I told him no, that i didn’t want to have sex with him, and he said okay, but he continued to slowly feel me up and i kept saying no, and he just kept saying yes he was going to do what he wanted, i was trying to push his hands away from my private areas, but he kept them there and it was impossible for me to over power him, he kept trying to grab my hands and lock them behind me and then he would try to stick his hand down my pants, i was trying my hardest to keep him from doing it and then he started to touch my breasts and my private area through my pants, and i just could not pull his hand away or even move because i was pressed up to the wall. Then he was placing my hand on his parts, and every time i took it away he would place it back. He kept telling me if i just let him touch me he would give up and i could go to bed, but i kept telling him to stop. He then wrapped his arm around my neck and locked my legs down and started to dry hump me really hard and then pulled my pants down, i was able to get unwrapped from him and pull my pants up, but this went on for hours, until he finally overpowered me and started to touch me. At this point i just wanted him to stop, and i was tired of trying to rip his hands out of my pants so i just let him do it. I feel like i should have screamed or got my other friends but they have a child and i didn’t want to wake him up or cause a scene if i was overreacting, this guys my best friends husbands friend and I’ve hung out with him lots of times too, so i really didn’t want them to get mad at me or think i was lying or something, and i also don’t want to believe he would do this. Im just really upset because i told my bestfriend and her husband the next morning and they thought it was a big joke, i kept trying to explain that it wasn’t funny that i did not want to have him in the bed with me touching me but they really didn’t take me seriously, so now I’m starting to think I’m overreacting ,but as the weekend went on i have felt more and more sick, and i just feel really embarrassed and horrible, and i also feel stupid because if it was sexual assault then i can’t believe i didn’t get up and scream, i always assumed that if that happened to me i would. I probably sound really stupid right now but it would be nice to have someone else point of view who will take me seriously.

    November 1, 2015 at 6:14 pm

    • No no no, you’re not overreacting and there’s nothing funny about what happened to you! I’m so sorry that this happened and that your friends reacted the way they did. This is rape culture in action. We live in a society that claims it takes rape seriously while telling us that what happened to us is no big deal. You are not alone. This happens to so many of us. You have nothing to feel embarassed about, but I understand that feeling. This is also a part of rape culture: victims are made to feel as though it is somehow our fault when a predator assaults us. It’s not your fault. Not any of it. If you want to talk more, please message me on my Facebook page at Facebook.com/makemeasammichdotorg

      November 5, 2015 at 5:29 pm

  32. Hi. I’m not sure where to begin. I’m sorry about what happened to you, that was serious assult and I just can’t believe there are people out there capable of it. I am Muslim and live in a society where dating is wrong, but being a teen, lots of people do it but there are no defined boundaries. I come from a family that taught me well, no strangers, no boys, no touching. When I was 16, I met a boy, we dated for over a year and he assaulted me. It’s strange because I told my friends not to leave me alone with him, but they did. We had been going out for so long, I had told him I wasn’t ready. One day, we were out, he told my friends to give us some privacy and even after my protests, they closed the doors and left. I looked around to find a familiar face, there were none. I started to leave and he ran after me, pushed me against the wall and wouldn’t let me go. I struggled as hard as I could but I’m 5’2 and very small while he is a football player. He grabbed my chest, I put my arms out in front of me and begged him to stop but he wouldn’t. It went on for about five minutes, I don’t even know anymore till my friends came up. I ran downstairs and refused to speak to anyone for a while. He simply told them he hugged me and I freaked out. I know this doesn’t seem like a big deal but I’m Muslim and I’d never been touched before. I can’t even tell anyone what happened because they’ll say I shouldn’t have been dating in the first place. If I report it, the heat will come to my family for not teaching me well enough. I am 19 now and haven’t left the house with friends except once or twice since then. I can’t let anyone touch me. These things often cause embarrassment to me but I just don’t know what to do. I can’t even trust people like I used to and honestly, I’m just not the same person anymore. I’m 19 now, soon to leave for university, how do I get past this?

    October 18, 2015 at 2:52 pm

    • I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I totally understand why what he did was a big deal to you because he used his strength to control you and that’s not only scary, it indicates a level of entitlement on his part that might have become even more dangerous over time. What he did was assault. I understand why you don’t want to report it—that’s a completely valid choice. I’m so sorry this event has left you feeling so vulnerable even now. It’s not suprising that you’re having difficulty trusting people, since both your boyfriend and your friends betrayed your trust that day. I wonder if you might find some comfort talking with others who have experienced similar things, or one-on-one with a counselor. Please feel free to message me via my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/makemeasammichdotorg if you’d like to talk more. <3

      October 20, 2015 at 9:44 am

  33. Sheena

    If I was in that dorm room with you, I would have tackled the guy and cussed him out. When everyone else said YOU were overreacting, I would have told those people to f themselves. I would not associate with those people and I would feel blessed to have figured that out sooner than later. Chalk it up to immaturity, nievity, or whatever, but allowing HIM to define the situation makes absolutely no sense, except by sexism. It is your body and if he wants the benefits of your body, NO they can’t be forcefully taken, they must be asked. It would be like someone robbing a store. You don’t own me or by body. My body has laws protecting it. You touch me without consent and you’re gonna have to face the law.

    Unwanted and unneeded touch is sexual harassment. No one has agency over your body except yourself.

    October 18, 2015 at 11:07 am

  34. I’m not sure exactly how I came across this post but I’m glad I did. I’m sorry about your experience, it’s truly enfuriating to read. But along with all the comments, in reading it I find myself wondering about my own experience. My case is somewhat embarrassing. But I want to share it with you because I’ve never told anyone. When I was about twelve, due to my parents divorce and their subsequent neglect, I found myself living with my favorite aunt, her daughter has always been like an older sister to me, so I loved the idea of staying there for a while until things looked better at home. Her son, my cousin, who was about sixteen at the time, started touching me inappropriately, nothing too bad, he would slip his hand behind my waist if we were sitting next to each other, he would grab my behind sometimes or even just hold my hand. One day I woke up to a note from him in my backpack, it read “why don’t you ever say anything when I touch you? Do you like it?” I was scared, I still remember how I felt that morning and how I couldn’t wait to go to school and see my friends, to feel safe. I didn’t tell, I didn’t think my aunt would believe me, and I didn’t want to go back home. The touching continued and I didn’t say anything, I destroyed the note that same day (I sometimes wish I hadn’t). Fast forward about two years, I’m fourteen and living with my father again, my cousin’s eighteen and my brother (15) is starting to hang out with him more and more, this means having my cousin over quite a bit, usually when my dad was at work. After a while he started coming over when I was home alone (as an introvert, I spent a lot of time home alone), he started again with the touching and asking me if I wanted to do things, I never agreed until one day, at my friend’s sweet sixteen (he was there) I got really drunk and he offered to take me home. we stopped somewhere on the way and had sex, after that we kept having sex for what I think was about a year, it makes me sick when I think about it. I am now 26 years old, I have a little daughter and a husband I love, I moved away from my hometown and started a new life, and through all these years I kept blaming myself, I never said no, I never tried to stop him, it seemed consensual. But now that I think about it I’m starting to feel like I was taken advantage of, I was not only young and naive but at a very emotionally vulnerable point in my life. Still I have difficulty seeing it this way. I’m curious as to what you think? Or anyone, for that matter. Was I abused? Was I just a confused little slut? I’ve never told this to anyone, not even my husband. But if anyone is still reading this, I would appreciate any input. Thank you and blessings.

    September 8, 2015 at 3:08 pm

    • Hi Hell3na – This is Rosie’s site, and I had no idea people were still reading my post. I’m so sorry that happened to you. Others might chime in with more info, but yes, your cousin absolutely was assaulting you. You were abused. That you were legally under age at the time makes it a legal definition as well. Sometimes predators choose people they’re already close to – and if that person is family, it can make it more confusing. You may have been confused, but you weren’t a slut. And there’s nothing shameful about being young and confused. I hope you have found someone to talk to about this. I’m sorry it took a long time to see your comment. Please know that what happened was not your fault, and you have every right to feel whatever you feel about it.

      Best,
      -Lindsey

      January 13, 2016 at 1:45 pm

    • Your cousin is a sick bastard and needs help even,now.You could legally have him charged and don’t lie to the judge and just tell the truth of what actually happened to you. It sounds like,you were afraid of him and that’s why you continued to have sex with him for a year. If,you didn’t give him any consent to have sex with you then,it’s rape.Even if,a person is under the influence of drugs,alcohol or just passed out and sleeping is no excuse for sexual assault,sexual harassment,attempted rape,underage rape and rape. It’s your choice to have him charged but,if,you let this situation go,usually that person will rape someone else, sooner or later. They have a sickness and want to take control of another person. Don’t let them! Don’t blame yourself because,he’s the one who has a serious problem.

      January 14, 2016 at 10:04 am

  35. Andi

    A couple of weeks ago, me and my girlfriend hung out with this guy. We broke up and he kept talking to me. He knew I was gay. He asked me to hang out with him at his house, which I had no problem with because he knew I didn’t like guys and he seemed like a nice person. He ended up laying next to me, and making me “cuddle with him”. I told him I was uncomfortable but he said to just relax. I figured it wasn’t too bad as long as he didn’t try anything else. But then he said he wanted to give me a back rub. I said no multiple times but he just told me to turn over. Me, being weak and scared did as I was told. He ended up bruising my back (which still hurts) and then he took my eye glasses. My eyesight is horrible and I get headaches without my glasses. He told me that I couldn’t have them back until I kissed him. I kept saying no and then he had a knock on his door. He got up to answer and I got up to leave and grabbed my glasses. Then he shut the door and grabbed me by my wrists (laughing the whole time as if he was joking) and layed me on my stomach. He layed on top of me, I couldn’t breathe. I tried getting up and I couldn’t, I was pinned. He was saying I just needed to learn to relax and that he was trying to cuddle. I finally pushed him off me and left. I told him I didn’t want to talk to him and I deleted and blocked him from my social media. He still makes me very uncomfortable when I see him (He’s my neighbor). My current partner is very gentle but I feel horrible because when I get touched in certain places, it gives me anxiety. Was this sexual assault? How do I deel with this?

    August 15, 2015 at 5:11 pm

    • I’m so sorry, Andi. Yes, this was sexual assault because he touched you in a sexual way without your consent. He also prevented you from leaving. This person preyed on you because he believed he could control you. I’m so glad you were able to get out of there. Do you have anyone you can talk to about what happened who you trust to support you no matter what? If not, in the US, the National Sexual Assault Hotline is a good resource with people who understand and can offer support and advice. (877) 513-2232 Please feel free to message me privately via the Make Me a Sammich Facebook page. https://www.facebook.com/makemeasammichdotorg

      August 18, 2015 at 11:23 am

  36. so basically,im 15 and my boyfriend is 15 too and we both had work and we were both alone so he came to mine on his lunch break then he kept kissin me but i wasnt in the mood,then he took me too his block and in to his house and i was just on my phone ignoring him then he took my phone and sat inbetween my legs then he kept kissin me and he was gettin mad that i wasnt kissin him back, then he sat next to me and kept tryna grab my tits and then he tried to put his hand down the front of my jeans and i told him and i moved his hand and he did it again and i told him im serious no then he told me to relax and he tried to do it again and i pushed him off me and crossed my legs over and stared at the wall then he was saying something but i wasnt listening then he went to his room and got a condom and told me to put it on him. i told him to moove and he put and he put it down and said whats wrong then he started tellin me something about him knowing all these positions and that and he got up and pulled my legs and started dry humping me and i told him to let me go and he flipped me over and started going faster and i could feel this thing on my butt and i told him to get off me but i couldnt talk cause he was doing it to hard and too fast then he put me down and said i can go to work now and i was already 18 mins late.. bare in mind we are both virgins so i have no idea what he thought he was doing there.. but yhh, does that count as sexual assault? he’s kinda angry at me now..

    July 21, 2015 at 9:06 pm

    • I’m so sorry it took me so long to reply to this—I somehow missed it when you posted it and I have comments moderated because of trolls. Yes, I would definitely call this sexual assault. You told him to let you go and he didn’t, so he didn’t have your consent to engage with you sexually. I’m so sorry this happened to you and I hope it has not continued! Please feel free to message me privately via my Facebook page if you want to talk more. https://www.facebook.com/makemeasammichdotorg

      August 22, 2015 at 12:20 pm

  37. Amanda

    I don’t think this counts as assault but me a boy I had a thing with who well call bill and my friend who well call kate were all drinking and after I was tipsy bill roughly grabs my arm and put me inbetween his legs and I was okay with it because it didn’t seem to be doing any harm, but then somehow I ended up straddling him and he was trying to feel me up and I kept saying no but he kept trying so I got up and he grabbed my ankle and I said stop and tried walking away. When I finally got away he kept repeating “why are you leaving me?” Then me and Kate were walking home and he followed, he kept insisting kate to go home and he’d walk me home but I wouldn’t let her. So we got into my street and I ran inside my house. He thought kate was me and continued to say “I’m in love with you we can have sex right now no one has to know” then put his hand down her pants and tried fingering her. But she stopped him. I can’t stop thinking about this incident and it happen about a month ago because if I let my friend leave that would’ve been me in that situation and it makes me sick

    July 14, 2015 at 1:08 am

    • This is definitely sexual assault, and this guy is awful. I’m so sorry this happened to your friend and I hope she’s getting the support she needs.

      August 22, 2015 at 12:15 pm

  38. Harlow

    I truly believe that I was sexually assaulted… but I’m afraid I’m wrong. I’m afraid that someone would tell me I wasn’t, because I didn’t say no, or run away, or stop him. I played along. I acted like I was fine with it. But he was my 27 year old cousin. I was 18. He still lived with his parents, my aunt and uncle, and I went to spend the night there like I always did growing up. And that night, he fed me drinks until I was too drunk to understand anything. And then he had me do cocaine, even though I’d never done drugs in my entire life. I was so intoxicated and out of it that I just laughed everything off, and went into autopilot, letting him enter my vagina and anus with his fingers, and letting him perform oral sex on me… I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t process what was going on. I was too fucked up, and I didn’t think it was real. I thought I’d wake up the next day and it would’ve all been a nightmare… He tried to sleep with me, but I was a virgin so I said no, and would stop him when he tried. But he raped me with his hands, and he made me perform oral sex on him. He told me it was our little secret, and that I couldn’t tell anyone. I kept saying how messed up this all was, but he’d just say ‘weve come this far, theres no point in stopping now’. And while he did those things to me, I acted like I enjoyed it, but I DIDN’T, I didn’t even know it was really happening. My mind just shut down and went into autopilot, reacting like what was expected. There was blood on the sheets, and he told me I was still bleeding hours later when he was still trying to get me to orgasm, but I never did. It hurt so much at some point I kept repeating ‘Ow’ over and over again, but he didn’t stop… I was just frozen. Gone. When I woke up the next I panicked. I was in shock. I wanted to throw up. I cried for hours, I wanted to die… I couldn’t believe it had happened, but I kept thinking ‘how can it be sexual assault if I didn’t say no? or fight? or run away? how can it be sexual assault if I see myself playing along even though I would never do that sober..?’ And at this point I don’t know what to do.. Everyone tries to tell me it was sexual assault but I can’t shake the feeling that I might be lying to myself, or that it wasn’t and I don’t know how to live with myself if it wasn’t sexual assault, and I don’t know how to believe it if it was sexual assault… I just need to know.

    June 24, 2015 at 7:05 pm

    • Elena

      This was every bit in every sense sexual assault. You were not cognizant and consciously choosing to be with him. He took advantage of your trust, your youth, and your inexperience in the world. He betrayed every sense of choice in his actions. He robbed you of that choice. That is assault.

      July 28, 2015 at 9:32 pm

  39. Ok well I’m 15 and my brothers best friends who is almost 18…a couple months ago he started saying wow you are so pretty, I bet u want to kiss me, I told him no he got all offended at me and told me he was to good for me anyway, well about a week later he spent the night and was hanging out with my brother but my brother left for a little while, and I was on my bed playing a game and he came in and sat by me, which I didn’t think anything about it…then he started touching my hair and my back I told him to stop,(which he didn’t) then he grabbed me and started kissing me I pulled away shocked that did that, and he grabbed me again and he was on top of me I couldn’t move he continued to kiss me and touch me I was shocked at what he was doing that I couldn’t say no, I finally got away and he hasn’t tried that sense, I don’t know if that’s considered sexual assault or not

    February 6, 2015 at 10:06 am

    • The legal definition may depend on laws in your area, but yes, that was sexual assault. Do you have someone you can talk to about it? Can you tell your parents? Please let me know if I can help in any way. You can message me via the Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/makemeasammichdotorg.

      February 8, 2015 at 8:36 am

  40. Theresa

    Ibe been thinking about an incident that happemed a few weeks ago with this guy tht i domt find attractive atall, hes nothing like me infact were polar opposites. Like typical badboy,charasmatic type. And quiet at first, nerdy type, we have diff goals, personalitys, were not compatible because i just think hes irratating tbh. Even tho i admired his honesty. I have friends that are honest but not irritating (like little brother), so i assumed i was safe, also ,i wasnt ven that dressed up. Ffs i was wearing a top and running bottoms,and because he was white ,for some reason i assumed he didnt like black girls, as if i havent been approached by them before anyway. I went round my friends house for s sleepover/drinkup thing (im 17) , i arrived and it was 3 girls 2 boys (including me ,im a girl) , like he was basically flirting the whole night and whilst i was sober ,and even still after drinking i kept saying no. And he kept insisting on the things he wanted me to do, at this point the other girl was stil here and the couple hadnt paired off yet. So im just having fun ,with my friend and hes still flirting incessantly and asking for me to “whine” on him. And constantly asking why not. As if i need a reason other than not wanting to. Then later on my friend left (he starts getting really irritated that ive rejeced him so much. And im getting more drunk by the second ,my mistake, shouldve eaten) and so i leave the room to stay away from his complaimts, and get on the phome, to a friend, that i can chat to, i come out after quite a while, like ages ,and hes stiiillll complaining, insisting, this is over the space of more than 4hours ,lile i cant catch a break, been like that from the get go, and before anyone says anything. My skins entirely covered .eventually we all get ready for bed. And were lieing on seperate couches,the couple have gone to the bedroom after a hot grinding session *eyeroll* ofcourse this guy was complaining, i finally think hes given up. Alleluia , im getting quite tired at this point and im wayy more complacent, and he says ,oh you cant see the movie from there(my sofa) come over here ,and i say no, this goes on for like awhile, and im tryna watch the movie, hes still insisting i lie on the couch with him eventually i go okay,and stumble over , skin still covered, im even wearing a dressing gown haha , but soon after i lie down, his hands start wondering, and i tell him to stop , and move his hands and hes like, “okay, ill probs try again later but..” then starts like rubbing himself over me and touching me and im just laying there, my slow ars brain tryna process whats happening. Because this is my frist te doing anything like this, i always say no and there are no boys left in my sleepy stage to weasel a yeh out, but he knew i didnt want to ,because i tried to get up and he pulled me back ,several times and was like i know you dont really like it but we may aswell make the best of it this might not happen again “and i was able to say this wont happen again’ but yeah, this is one of my close friends close male friends so i didnt want to tell her cos shes dlreally dramatic and last thing i want is drama, but all i know is i told him id regret it in the morning and i did. He tried to get under my clothes but i was able to avoid that because my feiend came out from her room, and he basically hinted at it happening again next time. In the morning i was too shocked to confront him and because of some other drama ,but next time im gonna give him a piece of my mind and let him no there is no way in fucking hell that wudve happened had i not been on the verge of a coma. Like i litwrally just lay there like a log.basically irresponsive, he tried to kiss me and if it wasnt for the lack of ease in position i dont think my mouth wudve responded, or maybe it would have. Either was hes dead meat. Issue is ithink my bestie (other one) wants to do a thing with him since shes going on the rebound, with her boyfriend, and even his ckose friend has said thats not a good idea cos he just fucks girls over, seriouly ,usually guys dont get. Like angry when they dont get me, theyre upset, or act cool with it but never angry. Was kinda scary anyway this is my piece ,it wasnt as bad as others but sometimes i feel his hands on me and its horrible. Gonna start hitting the gym so next time ill just remove his wandering hands. *sigh* i wish i didnt get so drowsy i wish i was an angry drunk so i cudve pummelled him. Or screamed. He said not to tell anyone. I think hes planning on having another go because thats his nature so bloody persistent. Ill threaten calling the police . Ergh. Ew. im not sure its assault ,but i know what i did and didnt want and i made that clear, and nothing said i wanted wandering hands . Maybe uts my fault? Maybe im demonising him?i dunno all i kniw is that i wanted someone else to see, exactly what happemed that night because others seem to think its great and im caught between disgust and the idea of finallh letting go.it sounds great in theory but i swear im not drinking around him again bastard. You shudve heard the way he spoke about his exes no respect. Not for any girl hed slept with atall.

    December 17, 2014 at 2:14 pm

    • I’m so sorry that happened to you. No matter what you were wearing or how drunk you were or whether you agreed to lay next to him on the couch to shut him up, he had no right to put his hands on you or anything else without your consent. That is definitely assault, and he knows that, which is why he’s afraid you’ll tell someone. He spent hours coercing you. This guy is a predator and I’m sure this is not the first time he’s done something like this, nor will it likely be the last. None of this is your fault and you’re not alone. So many of us have been through this. <3

      December 17, 2014 at 2:43 pm

  41. aleena

    I don’t know if it was sexual assault or what. I was in seventh grade when I started dating him and it was going perfect. He would spend the night a lot because he was my brothers friend. It was a few months after I started dating him. He started pushing me against the wall, saying sexual stuff, touching me. I tried to get him to stop but it only got worse. I was 13 and he was 15. Every other weekend he would come over. I was scared that if I tell anyone he would get mad. It got to the point where he didn’t care if I was asleep or not, he would touch me and stuff. One night I woke up and I was in pain, it was so bad I think I just passed out or something. When I woke up it was hard to walk. Then it went back to him touching me. If I didn’t let him, he would get forcefull. I could never tell what he was feeling, he never showed emotion. Then another night he was touched me and stuff. Then he was on top of me trying to kiss me and when I turned my head he licked my cheeck. Idk if that is sexual assault but one of my friends said that he probably did ‘hurt’ (I don’t like saying it) me in my sleep bacause of all the things that happened and that he always avoided the questions whenever I ask what happened. My other friend said that I paid the price for my ignorance andit was my fault. But I went over seven months of him sexually ‘touching’ me. Idk if it was assault or what.

    May 18, 2014 at 8:12 pm

    • Aleena, I’m so sorry that happened to you. What you are describing is sexual assault and it was NOT your fault no matter what anyone tells you. I hope you believe me when I say that. I hope you have someone to talk to about this who understands that this was something done to you, not something you brought on yourself. I’m here if you want to talk more about it. You can message me privately on my Facebook page.

      https://www.facebook.com/makemeasammichdotorg

      <3

      May 19, 2014 at 12:52 pm

  42. Lily

    I was..sortof..shocked actually when I read your post…because this is 100% percent what happened to me. I mean, I’ve been sexually abused by a teacher..and ‘friends’ and students, that just grabbed underneath my skirt or hit my breasts. Everyone heard my complaints about the teachers fingers in my underpants and his jokes about me and sex.
    The teacher came into the changing room when I was topless, the students threathened to rape me with a knife. I was 12, it all kept going on untill I was 16, and like you said, everyone laughed. Always.
    And last year, one of my best friends, did about the same, he started hurting my breasts, screaming that I didnt have any breasts, that they were flat, that I was making a drama out of nothing. I couldnt breathe, I started crying, he was laughing, and no one did anything.
    I stopped talking to him for about a few months now, most of the people get angry at me for ‘overreacting’ and everyone just laughs if I bring up the moment.
    They didnt see the bruise the next day, they didnt even notice the tears, they get SO angry everytime I ask them NOT to take the guy with them, if its my Birthdayparty.
    Just the laughing, it made me sick to read your story, I couldnt stand the mixture of my tears and their laugh. It’s so horrible.

    November 9, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    • I’m so sorry these things happened to you. Your friends are wrong. You have every reason to want that person as far away from you as possible, and your friends need to respect that or they are not being friends. As for that teacher, he needs to be in jail. I hope you have someone you trust who you can talk to about this. Just know that you’re not alone. So many of us go through things like this and the people around us act as though it’s no big deal. It is a big deal. And you should never feel like you’re wrong for trying to protect yourself. <3

      November 11, 2013 at 10:11 am

  43. Reblogged this on FEMBORG.

    April 30, 2013 at 10:04 am

    • Getorix

      Happens to men to I’m afraid. And when incidents like this happened to me I never considered it assault or abuse because it was not rape. Plus it was a family member. Im sorry this happened to u

      July 9, 2013 at 10:31 pm

      • Test

        I was just attacked today at school by a really tall special Ed kid at lunch
        He was groping me and my breasts still hurt but they’re not bruised
        I talked to the administrators about it but they didn’t do anything and said that they’re trying to monitor the special ed kids as best as they can but they still get away with it
        And he hugs other girls too… It’s just today he repeatedly touched me
        Could I charge him with sexual assault?

        February 26, 2015 at 10:16 pm

        • I’m so sorry that happened to you. Yes, it’s sexual assault, and it’s the administrators’ job to keep you safe! They are clearly not doing enough to “monitor” those kids if they are routinely allowed to assault other students. I recommend taking your complaint to the next level up the chain of command–to whomever your school administrators report.

          February 27, 2015 at 8:40 am

          • Hannah

            Ok so I am 16 and my friend is 19 he always. Would come over and spend the night and hang out him and my brother a pretty good friends. Well my brother went to the store to get some snacks and left him at our house, well I was in my room on my iPod and he came in and asked what I was doing and i told him i was playing angry birds he was like oh I love that game what level you on? And he laid next to me, not even a minute later he started putting his hand up my skirt i told him to stop that I didn’t like it he just ignored me and told me that I was f****** hot and he wanted me, he grabbed my iPod and threw it across the room i tried to get up but he got on top of my back i couldn’t move he started kissing my neck and put his Han up my shirt then he rolled me over and pulled my shirt down and started kissing my boobs and putting his hand down my skirt, I asked him to stop then he stuck his tongue down my throat then he sat up and unbuttoned his pants i kicked him off means started to run out of my room but he grabbed me and slammed me agianst the wall he told me that I needed to calm down and enjoy it, before he could do anymore my brother drove into the driveway, he told me that if i told anyone about this is regret it he kissed me again and then walked out i shut my door and locked it i was terrified, but he texted me that he was sorry and he didnt mean it, so I forgave him a week later he came up to me after school and asked if he could buy me ice cream as an apology so i said yeah on the way there he stopped on a back road and grabbed me and pulled my shirt over my head and was trying to get my bra off I begged him to stop i was crying he stopped and told me that I wasn’t worth the trouble and made me walk home from there, i haven’t told anyone this he still comes over i am so scared of him i don’ know what to do, I couldn’t tell the cops because i didn’t think it qualifies as rape, I hate to be alone when he’s around i think he could try it again

            October 28, 2015 at 10:40 am

            • Hannah, I’m so sorry. What he did definitely qualifies as sexual assault, but it is totally your choice whether to report it. I’m afraid you’re right about him and I don’t like to think that you have to be alone with him ever. Is there anyone in your life you can talk to about this? Please feel free to message me on the Facebook page! Facebook.com/makemeasammichdotorg

              November 5, 2015 at 5:23 pm

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