A ranty, funny, dead-serious intersectional feminist blog.

Sammiches!

Seattle Summer 2013 Meet-Up

There Will Be Sammiches

This Saturday I’m hosting the first-ever Make Me a Sammich Meet-up. It’s going to be a purely social event with no agenda (not even a little one*), just a great view from Seattle’s Jefferson Park, good company, and, of course, sammiches.

Mmm...sammiches.

Mmm…sammiches.

I know it’s short notice, but if you live in or around Seattle, I hope you can join me. I’ll have some goodies to give away.

And did I mention sammiches?

 

*Light bulb!


Desperately Seeking…Something

Madonna in Desperately Seeking Susan

Susan…just in case.

After the events of yesterday, I thought we could all use some lighter fare. Love ya.

For months now I’ve watched as search terms and phrases appear on my WordPress stats page and I find myself alternately giggling, smiling, squinting, frowning, boggling, rolling my eyes, exclaiming my horror, and sometimes even feeling a little bit sorry people didn’t find what they were looking for. If you blog or run a website, you’ll know just what I mean. The search terms section of stats can be a useful way of showing you how your audience is finding you–but it’s also a stark revelation that some people trip over your site looking for something else entirely.

Here we see a list of expected (or at least unsurprising) terms and phrases all the way up to the last:

Click to enlarge.

Most surprising to me was not that the phrase appeared, but that during the specified time period FOURTEEN PEOPLE found this site looking not just for “ass” but… Well, I’m sorry, fourteen people. This is not where we keep all the ass. But I got you this:

This isn’t ALL of it, but it’s the best I could do.

I’m going to skip some of the most offensive/ugly phrases for now, because this is for fun, but trust me–they get pretty bad. (Though, not as bad as the ones I got on my much more polite blog about my sponsored kids. That was some sick shit.)

“her ass”

I can only assume WordPress directed them here believing they’d misspelled “harass.” How disappointing that must have been for…let’s see…SEVEN PEOPLE! Seven people, I refer you to the image above. One of those is bound to be female.

“jennifer jason leigh legs”

Not the person, just the legs. These three were probably not looking for a post about unshaven woman legs. Or maybe they were. Maybe someone told them, “Hey, I read a great blog post the other day about unshaven legs nightmares. It had a pic of JJL in it. You should totally Google it!” Three times. I Googled “jennifer jason leigh legs” and mostly what I got is a lot of “THIS SITE MAY BE HARMFUL TO YOUR COMPUTER!” And this:

Truly? This is a thing?

“sammich rosie”

Hey, that’s me! These people may actually have found what they were after. I’m sure they’ll let me know if they didn’t.

“pork rinds of the month”

Are there PORK RINDS of the MONTH? Why didn’t anyone tell me this? There really aren’t, right? This person searched from their phone using their butt as a stylus.

“treehugger”

Me, again!

“drunk hugging a tree”

’nuff said.

Could it be…Cindy Bear?

“yogi bear’s girlfriend’s name”

Does anybody know this one? I mean in case this person comes back. It might be important.

“why do some people say sammich instead of sandwich”

These two unfortunate souls have obviously never tried saying “sammich” out loud. (It’s ok that you just did. Everyone should.)

“stephen colbert doritos”

New flavor!

“dill mustache”

The name of my next band.

“creepy girl cheese”

#WINNING

“when a wife is rebellious to her husband”

New hit song by Percy Sledge! “When a wiiiife’s rebellllious to ‘er husband/Can’t keep her mind on makin’ dinner…”

Your wish is my command!

Your wish is my command!

“de-tachable boob-ies”

That’s right, people. Sing it with me.

“political correctness for a woman to make a sandwich feminism”

Of course, there are many variations on “make me a sammich” and “sammich meme” and “woman sammich” and “woman slap sammich” and fun stuff like that. But this actually seems to be a query as to what might be the politically correct (according to feminists) way to ask a woman to make you a sammich. In case this person comes back, I’m going to go with, “Hey, do you feel like making me a sammich?” or “I love your sammiches. Will you please make me one?” <–helpful

“jack nicholson not giving a fuck”

Now, THESE folks got what they came for. You’re welcome.

He really doesn't.

He really doesn’t.

That’s all for now, folks. May your search terms always yield the results you seek.

Love,

Rosie


Fabulous Prizes!

AWESOME, right?

Ok, first I have to show you these AWESOME new cards I just got (made by MOO). I know, crappy pic, but aren’t they AWESOME? And that’s only the front! Each one is personally autographed by me in Red SharpieTM! The reverse has…well, I’ll show you in a minute. These were a perk from Klout–a site some folks like to pooh-pooh, but dude, they send me free stuff all the time, and that makes them ok in my book.

I’ve also ordered TEMPORARY TATTOOS. I’m not going to show them to you because all I have is the artwork, and they’re not proper tattoos until I can put them on my skin*. When they arrive and I can, then you’ll get a pic. Promise.

I know, I know, you’re wondering how you can get your hands on some of this Make Me a Sammich swag. Well, firstly, winners of our Sammich Challenge will receive some as part of their Fabulous Prize packs. One lucky winner will also receive this:

And it will not be Brother #3.

It will not contain a sammich, because ew, prepackaged sammiches are gross. I think I must have suffered some pre-made sammich trauma as a child, because I simply cannot stand a sammich that’s been sitting around with its juices soaking into the bread and making it all soggy and smelly. I have been known to throw adorable little tantrums when people who love me forget this fact and bring me a nasty, mayonnaise**-soaked refrigerator sammich for lunch. In fact, I gag a little when I see someone in a movie buy one from a machine and eat it. Yuck! Do you have any idea how long that sammich has been sitting there being gross? A sammich machine should assemble your sammich right in front of you, dammit, or it’s nothing more than a garbage dispenser in my eyes.

Ahem. Moving on… If you don’t win a prize in our first contest, there will be others. But in the meantime, if you just can’t stand it, I will make it easy for you to request MMAS goodies. Stay tuned.

Scan that code! Do it!

Oh yeah! Here is the back of the new card. It has a little Klout logo (because they were free from Klout, but my next batch won’t have this, so these are Limited Edition! Woo!) and a very fancy QR code which makes them practically electronic. (It always cracks me up when I see promo cards made to look like iPhones that say “download our app” and then include a URL and no QR code. Duh, I say!) They’re also super heavy-duty cardstock with a satiny finish and the color is great. I heart them.

I’ve got some other goodies in the works, but hopefully this illustrates my good faith in the Fabulous Prizes department. It turns out gift-giving is one of my “love languages” according to a book my dad gave me, so I get really excited about giving stuff away. My neurosis is your gain!

Love ya!


*The great thing about temporary tats is that you can apply them to other surfaces, as well, meaning I can use them to make other cool stuff. There will be swag!

**Double ew. (W?)


The Art of the Sammich

Tortured Sandwich Artist t-shirt

It’s a t-shirt!

Everything is a meme! I went looking for a “sandwich artist” image and the Google is filled with disgruntled Subway employees and jokes about job openings and the many ways to fail at being a Sandwich Artist (which is apparently what Subway employees are called when they’re in uniform). Well, sammich artist might be a crappy job, but it’s a job, and I’ll bet those artists get free sammiches. No shame in that.

In case you haven’t guessed yet, this is the Sammich Art post! Yay! When I first went out looking for National Sammich Month material, I was amazed and delighted by the number of sammich pics I found that can only be classified as art. There are SO MANY of them on sites like insanewiches.com and all over the web (click individual images for sources) so I chose a few of my favorites. Check it out.

Fire Sammich

Hot!

Aces sammich

Pair of aces with a parsley kicker!

Sandwitch!

Sandwitch!

Partridge Family Bus Sammich

Does this look like the Partridge Family’s bus to anyone else?

Lettermanwich!

Grinning Hat Man Sammich

The dill mustache makes it for me.

Scales Sammich

Hm…

Sammich Stadium

I had to include this one because wow.

Man sammich

Meet Art.

In case you missed it, I launched a Sammich Challenge yesterday and have recruited one sammich judge so far. If anyone wants to make sammich art for the contest and send it in, I’ll add a category and post the pics in a Very Special Make Me a Sammich Blog Post.

Anything is possible, people! Any! Thing!


Sammich Challenge!

Sammich of the Gods?

19 days into National Sammich Month and, well, I’ve been lax. However, my brother #3 (I have seven!) has proposed a sammich challenge, secure in the belief that he will win. This is your chance, my friends, to truly participate in this national holiday month the way you’ve always dreamed of.

I will be forming a panel of judges (omnivorous ones!) who love to eat sammiches. Your job is to submit the Winning Sammich Recipe! The judges will recreate your sammich from your recipe and eat it, grading on the criteria below. Winners will receive Fabulous Prizes (to be announced)!

 
 

Sammiches will be judged on the following criteria:

  • Overall Deliciousness
  • Creativity
  • Health vs. Decadence (pick one and go all the way!)
  • ??? (Is this a mystery criterion? Or just one I haven’t thought of yet? It’s anyone’s guess!)

Are you ready? Deadline to submit your sammich recipe is one week from today: August 26. That will give our judges a solid week to make/eat your sammiches before NSM ends. We’ll announced the winners on Friday, August 31!

Let the sammiching commence!


Sammich Month: Celebrity Sightings

Hail to the Sammich!

I have to say I’m pretty disappointed at the Internet offerings for National Sammich Month. We’re pretty much on our own here, people, so bear with me while I wing it.

I know, I promised you Sammich Art, and it’s coming soon. But first, I need to tell you that Celebrities Eating Sandwiches exists. It’s by no means comprehensive, as I found many worthy pics on Celebs Like to Eat and on the Internet at large, as well. I’m not sure why people want to see/collect photos of celebrities eating, except perhaps for the unflattering expressions they often capture. I swear, if I was a movie star I would never eat anywhere but home or in private rooms. But personally, I’m glad these pics exist because sammiches! And people are interesting, too.

Danny Devito: One cool customer.

Sad Keanu: Apparently a meme.

Kiera Knightley is *really* into that sammich.

Jack Nicholson: Serious about his sammich.

Gaga: This one counts as art, if you ask me.

And now I’m going to leave you with another favorite sandwich recipe:

Scrambled Egg and Cheese Sandwich

  1. Slow-scramble two eggs (they’re so much tastier when you cook them slowly!). Shape into a sammich-sized square. (Avoid browning!)
  2. Add sliced or shredded cheddar cheese and cover to melt.
  3. Toast two pieces of bread, preferably on one side only.
  4. Apply a thin layer of mayonnaise* to the untoasted side of your bread.
  5. Assemble scrambled egg/cheese/toast into a super yummy sammich.
  6. You’re welcome.

*This is one of the rare instances in which mayonnaise is an acceptable ingredient in anything ever.


I Made You a Sammich

I made you a sammich while the Internets were down.

Happy National Sammich Month! We’ve had a bit of a hiccup here on Day 1, as the Internets at Chez Sammich decided to take the day off. I’m typing this into a text editor feeling very much like a post-apocalyptic survivor hoping that someone, somewhere, someday will see my words. There’s no way to know for sure. [Message from the future/past: I had to travel back and forth through time to bring you this article! Cool, huh?]

You might be surprised to know that I have nothing planned for today. I expected I would wake up and take to the Internets for inspiration. I can’t even access my bookmarks! Can you even imagine what this is like? It’s hell, I tell you. Luckily, I realized that I don’t have to be online to compose a post for today, or I’d still be pacing around my house wringing my hands and lamenting the unfairness of it all.

OK, so National Sammich Month starts today, as we’ve already established, and I’ve learned a few interesting things about sammiches in the past week, so let’s start with one of those. Apparently (hat-tip to commenter kyorlin), each state in the U.S. has an official sandwich. I promise as soon as I have Internets again I’ll get you the link. [Message from the future: State Sammiches!]

I live in the state of Washington, whose sandwich I can’t tell you yet because I don’t have Internets [Message from the future: “Smoked Salmon Sandwich: Smoked salmon, cream cheese, apples, on whole wheat.*”], in the city of Seattle, whose official sandwich is coffee. I don’t eat meat (except fish sometimes, not because I think it doesn’t count, but because I’m a bad vegetarian), so a lot of the sandwiches on the list would be difficult for me to recreate, meaning it’s a good thing that my plan wasn’t to make and report on a state sandwich or two every day in August. It turns out the state sammiches were submitted to the site above by readers, so you’ll have to let us know whether you agree with your state sammich. I not only agree with mine, I kind of want to marry it.

Ahem…moving on… Other sammich-related stuff we’ll cover this month:

  • Why is this site called “Make Me a Sammich”?
  • The Origins of the Sammich (and of the month)
  • Sammich Art
  • Sandwich Trivia
  • And much, much more! Probably.

I’ve been thinking about sammiches and which one I would call my favorite. Back when I ate meat, it was the French dip, hands down. I was a vegetarian for years before I discovered a good vegetarian French dip, and it is delicious, but I don’t think it’s my favorite. As much as I love girl cheese**, the thought of it doesn’t make my mouth water quite as much as the veggie sammich my mom and I invented as an answer to one very much like it that was *almost* perfect but not quite.

Elvis is thinking about sammiches, too.

Here’s our recipe:

  • whole-grain bread***
  • raspberry vinaigrette dressing
  • cream cheese
  • alfalfa sprouts
  • slice of preferred cheese (optional)
  • *Thinly* sliced veggies:
    • cucumber
    • tomato
    • red onion
    • avocado

I’m telling you, this is a FABULOUS sammich and now my mouth really is watering. It is way past time I made one of these. Try it and let me know what you think! In fact, the next time someone tells you to make them a sammich, say “Make ME a sammich! This sammich!” and give them the recipe.

*Sammiches like this one are why I am a hypocrite.

**I also just remembered an awesome sammich I used to have when I went to community college: grilled cheese with mushrooms and alfalfa sprouts. OMGSOGOOD. It might take my beloved girl cheese sammich over the top. I’ll do a taste-test and let you know. Oh yeah! TUNA MELTS!

***I recently discovered Dave’s Killer Bread, which is *totally* killer, and I can’t wait to try it with All. The. Sammiches.

[Message from the Future: Still no Internets! Posting from secondary basecamp while it’s still officially Day 1 per Pacific time. Whew.]


Girl Cheese Sammich

“It will be mine. Oh, yes! It will be mine…”

As we say goodbye to National Grilled Cheese Sandwich month and hello to National Sammich Month, I want to take the opportunity to tell you briefly about my personal relationship with grilled cheese sandwiches. You see, when I was a tiny, little girl…so tiny that the world was still a place of only beauty and wonder and no Bad Things, I believed that grilled cheese sandwiches were a special invention made just for ME.

Back in those days of yore, my dad (before he was a professional bass fisherman or a preacher or even a dad) was a pool shark. In Los Angeles, California, where he made his living in the pool halls as a young man, he was known as “Sixth Street Jerry.” In Long Beach, where he also played from time to time (and where he met my mom–in a pool hall), they called him “L.A. Jerry.” One of my earliest memories is going to the pool hall with my parents, where my dad would shoot pool (which I remember only vaguely) and my mom and I would sit in a booth with red seats and I would order a Girl Cheese Sandwich with fries (because that was the point of the whole expedition as far as I was concerned).

Of course, I had no idea why the waitress and all the adults made such a fuss over the whole thing. I just wanted my sandwich. And my French fries! But I imagine them now doing that thing grownups do where we know the kid’s about to do that cute thing they do, and they say, “Watch! Listen! Okay, Rosie, what do you want to eat?”

“GIRL CHEESE!” I’d holler, and they’d all “aww” and titter and pat me on the head.

And yes, I assumed that if my dad wanted a sandwich like mine, he’d have to ask for a Boy Cheese Sandwich, but he never did that I recall. Sixth Street Jerry was too busy bringing home the pork rinds, baby.

These days grilled cheese sammiches are still a favorite, and one of my comfort foods (along with mac & cheese), and I still occasionally refer to them as feminine without ever checking under their bread to find out whether I’m right. That probably makes me a sammich sexist, for which I’m deeply sorry, and will surely pay in the afterlife. Till then, Girl Cheese Sammiches for all my friends!

National Sammich Month starts TOMORROW! What’s your favorite sandwich?

This makes up for everything! Right?

PS: I apologize for that terrifying image above. I really wanted to use an appetizing photo of a nice, melty grilled cheese to make your mouth water, but then I found ^that^, and come on, how could I resist? It would have been wrong–possibly immoral or even illegal–for me to not use that image in this article. So, to make up for it, here’s a photo of me just before I learned to say “Girl cheese sammich, please!” Love ya!


National Sandwich Month is Coming!

monster sammichI just learned that National Sandwich Month exists! Yay! (I mean, of course it does, because sammiches. Duh.) It’s like providence or something because when I found out it exists I just assumed I’d already missed it this year. And I did, in fact, miss National Grilled Cheese Sandwich Month which, according to Gone-ta-pott.com (Your Holiday Directory) is always in April. (Imagine anyone thinking otherwise.) July, however, is National Sandwich Generation Month, dedicated to people who provide care for both children and aged parents, which is nice, because that’s a lot of work. And National Sandwich Day isn’t until November! So, I didn’t miss those, which is great, but I haven’t told you the best thing of all which is that August is National Sandwich Month! Apparently, it’s always in August, but I never had reason to know that before now. I did, however, have reason to know about National Margarita Day and Cheese Weasel Day. I’ll let you make whatever judgements you will about that.

So, in honor of what we’ll refer to here at MMAS as National SAMMICH Month, I’ll be scouring the Internets for fascinating sandwich/sammich related stuff to tell you and show you. We’ll talk about the origins of the sandwich, and of the sammich, and of the title of this website. We’ll share our favorite sammich recipes! We’ll look at sandwich art (like the scary sammich monster above!)–because if you didn’t know sandwich art existed, you need to. It’s art. And sammiches. Duh.

Just ten days until August 1! Isn’t this exciting? I even added a countdown thingy just to the right, there. If you run across any sammich-related links I ought to know about ahead of time, please post them here. Ten days! I have work to do, people!